A parade!


Yes a parade!


Make way for the parade...the parade...the parade of aaaaasssssssssholessssss!


Have I got a story for you!  I may perhaps be on a slight mission with this one here but there are only few things that truly get under my skin...the first of which is lying. It's ugly and gives wrinkles so don't do it!  the second is disrespect and ignoring people - there are two things but they annoy me equally as such and if you're ignoring someone or me, it's disrespectful and lastly...it's

Ya, I said it.


I think that parents are disgusting for the most part.  I don't have perfect children and I am imperfect myself.  I have flaws and I make mistakes...I feed my kids popcorn and ice cream cake for dessert....this only has happened once so don't call CAS on me or anything but it's true....I didn't write the rule book because if I did, we would be allowed to drink out of the carton of milk, swear like sailors but rather than the kids hear our F-bombs they would hear whining in their ears so they knew how painful it was to listen too....BUT, my point that I am trying to make, I am not an asshole parent.

Case in point.

ODG (oldest daughter girl) wants to call her friend - we'll call her Bianca because that's a pretty snotty name - so I say sure, give her a call. I know this is code for I want to plan a play date but I'm not an asshole so it's all good.  Bianca and ODG talk for a bit and I hear the climax of the conversation - the part I dread for the most part - "put your mommy on the phone and I'll get mine...".  She does have the cutest puppy dog eyes and was so excited to speak with Bianca (who's mom probably be-dazzles her acid wash jacket) that I couldn't flat out say I don;t want to talk with her...  so I get on the phone with my vanilla cupcake voice "hello, this is the best mother of the year, nice to meet you!"  the voice on the end sounds like Deloris from the diner with her ciggy hanging out of her mouth...grumbly..raspy...like Marg Simpson.  it's harsh and rude....it is unwelcoming....I hate it instantly.  "ugh, so what are these girls doing" Marg asks while lighting up her 4 cigarette in a row.  "well they were looking to have a play date and I wasn't sure of your family's schedule, so I am unsure what would work."  instantly Marg answers me and says "well, like during the day or what?" no you asshole, at night..the first time I want your bedazzled kid at my house is for a sleepover so I can listen to her cry about how horrible you are....no you jack ass.. during the day!  "yes, that would be best for Sophia, during the day; but we weren't sure what dates worked for you" This was me icing the cake....you know when you swirl the creamy delicious spread all over the cake?  Ya, that was me...patronizing as it was, I was laying my fake-voice on her.  What alarms me is how responsive Marg is to my fake-ness... "well, I don't work so I am free whenever, ugh, do YOU. WORK?"  Yes Marg Simpson, "I work full time" you half-wit. 

Right that moment in time, I lost it.  I couldn't believe that I have just been down talked by a parent who bedazzles!  Fuck you Marg Simpson!  I work a full time job because I got knocked up 3 fucking times by my husband while I was tipsy each and every time!  I work because I can't afford to bedazzle my kids things and I work because its the 20th fucking century and shit is expensive.  I couldn't believe her disgust while asking me.

She literally thought at that point that I wanted a late-night play date with her child and clearly the lady doesn't believe in active listening because I had said 3 times, perhaps on a weekend.  Anyhow, she tells me that she is open aside from a few days where plans had been made.  Then she proceeded to ask if I have a pass for some pool near us, because she got one for her daughter because that is where the cool kids hang out...

Another amazing comment from this lady's mouth.

I believe that parents make their children who they are as adults and as of this moment in my life it is fairly ok to say, that Marg's parents are assholes too.  I feel so bad for Bianca and her closet full of bedazzled clothes.  I mostly feel bad for ODG as I don't know how to break it to her that her friend's mom is a bit of a douche and I don't want her hanging out with her.

Not only did she down talk the fact I work, but why do you get your kids a pass somewhere so they can be "where the cool kids are"?  Seriously, why perpetuate Mean Girls - the sequal??

I think that I handled myself well...I just spread that icing all over and when I was finished, I said "it was such a pleasure talking with you, thank you for your time".  She quickly responded "yeah...oh ya, thanks, great too. Let's get together to talk about the kids..."  I didn't hesitate and I do believe that auto-pilot took over and responded for me because I remember thinking "no thank you" but I didn't recall saying it until I looked at ODG who was awestruck by my incredible-ness...this also could have been the face of utter humiliation - but either way I was something!

I had to take a day to get through my emotions about this parent and how she talked to me.  I couldn't penalize ODG for the choice in her friend's parents' so instead I had a conversation with her today about assholes and asshole parents.  I explain that I wouldn't ever tell her who to hangout with...but if I felt that someone demonstrated unacceptable ways, views or activities, that I would interfere.  I also told her that you can't choose your family....lord knows life would have been really different if this were the case.. but that you can't so no matter what I have to say, just know that you're loved so much by mommy and daddy...

She looked concerned, like I was taking away something from her but I calmed her nerves before I spoke.  I informed her that her friend's mom is an asshole plain and simple.  I told her that while her mother may be one, her friend Bianca may not be...sometimes it skips a generation that asshole gene.  I let her know why I didn't feel it appropriate to continue a converesation with Marg Simpson.  ODG looked up at me and says, "no mom, it doesn't skip a generation, Bianca can be an asshole too!"


I don't feel bad that I haven't called them today and I don't feel bad that Iam not going to do anything but relax this weekend rather than drive all over for one kid to go here and another to go there and ODG to go to the asshole's house.

Thank you jebus for letting this parent be an asshole!  I was beginning to wonder if I was being overly harsh in my thoughts...but I am not!!  There truly are a lot of asshole parents out there.

forgotten words....
so i have been reviewing some of my drafted posts and wonder why I didn't publish or finish these darn things...

this here, from 2011 the week before my birthday... I think I had a case of the "who's gonna show up to my party" or something because what actually happened was one of the most amazing nights in my life...

every party has a pooper...party pooper; party pooper...

Occasionally, I write...sometimes it's poetry other times its a song.  I wrote the a while back but feel like now that I have grown from this, I can share.  To my husband of 9 years and best friend for over 1/2 my life, Mr. Delicious, you give me a Forever After to look forward to.  I love you with everything that I am and everything that I have...I am yours forever and always. (aw)










I don't always know the perfect thing to say

I don't pretend to either; but,

There's something that you haven't said

And it's makin' me unsteady




You

Standing there

with distant look upon your face

A smug grin that's stuck in place

Just standing there...




We haven't talked in so long

Leaving so many words left unsaid; it's a sad song

We haven't had a moment when...

We have stared in each others eyes and just knew what to say




Me

Sitting here

With tears running down my face

Stuck in time

A love that's been misplaced




How can we get together again

Be best friends till the end

Take a chance on forever and 

Wind up happily ever after 

Ever after




Don't 

Rush to judge this

Take every word in and let your heart lead you to me

Just try to let me in

Don't walk away in anger

Don't give up on our ever after

Let me in




How can we get together again

Be best friends till the end

Take a chance on forever and 

Wind up happily ever after 

Ever after




I guess that's how the story goes

Let it be and well see what unfolds

I just want forever after

Our happily ever after

Ever after

"What kind of girl are you mommy?" she asked me. I didn't know how to respond so feeling my age an advantage I counter her question with "what kind of girl are you?"   Befuddled she looks down at her feet for quite some time figuring out the right words to enunciate just what kind of girl she was. Her feet tapped in the puddles and her fingers twiddled round and round until I saw the light bulb pop atop her head. Her eyes met mine with a grin from ear to ear. Casually she answers "the kind of girl who tastes like chocolate chip cookies and smells like vanilla beans.  I'm the kind of girl who runs in the rain until you tell me to stop and I am also the kind of girl who hears a song on the radio and can't help but dance."  She stood proud, revelling in her profound declaration...she smiled with her whole body.

This was from my 8 year old today. What the hell? Did she literally just look at me and sum up her entire 8-year old self when I cant look inside of me and tell if I am hungry??!!

How on earth did she do this?  This little creature who started out as the product of a killer dress, new hair cut and a body shaking orgasm is my daughter.  My 8 year old daughter who is so curious and inquisitive has the capacity to think so clearly about herself.  How did she become so sure? Where did she learn to be so free? 

Naturally, I would immediately think "from her mother...duh?" but I really don't know... I am no longer that confident.  I am not that 20 something savvy bitch who can handle her gin and tonics like they were vitamin water...I am also not that  sure that I smell like chocolate chips or vanilla beans although that would be fantastic.  So would smelling like sunshine and lollipops...

I am truly blessed to have been given such wonderful children.  Kids who have imaginations that are bright with HD colour and who's daydreams are way wackier than the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  I hope that in the future I get the chance to be completely surprised by my kids creativity and genius. 

I get slightly emotional in thinking back to that smile she gave me..that soft giggle she carries in her voice...the low rasp in her tone. 

Although I don't always understand you..you have always brought laughter to my heart.  Always march to your beat, not the beat of others; soon enough you will see others marching to yours. Go make your own music, fill the air with your spirit, passion and kindness.

Wow...aren't I a lucky gal?

Dear Diary,


Today I have got to tell you something - it's pretty fucking big - so keep your mouth shut.  Its really only you that I talk to about these things - you know...the really good juicy deets that keep me ticking - and I know you have a tendency of running your mouth whenever you get the chance....
Anyhow Diary, today I realized that I have shit the bed on my blog.  No I didn't literally shit the bed; although that is a much easier mess to clean I would suspect.
It's been nearly 6 months since I have posted and I truly feel like I should be punished.  No, you sick fucks, not like in some 50 Shades of Grey type way...well...not for something like this... but I feel there should be some sort of recourse for my lack of attention.
I haven't got the foggiest of ideas why I have let this slide... you really are the only thing that I actually have done for myself aside from shave my legs, occasionally get my hair done and drink wine so WHY..

Its been a while since we've talked and I am not sure if you even want to still but I figured I would be the adult here for once and I would talk first.

I am slowly getting back to writing daily and its nice to say that I have had some inspiration as of late.

I had many hilarious things to talk about then I got started on a new mix for my ipod.

Its incredibly difficult to make a mix for any occasion but the one that I am considering will take me a few days.  You know those mixes that let you sit back with your hands behind your head...they let your eyes close and sink into that void of contentment...

Its like when you're at a concert and the main act comes out for the first time...you hear the guitars humming while they are tuned.  You hear the crowds anticipation building for those first few chords to make the experience take flight.  Examples of best 1st songs at concerts:
* Welcome to the Jungle - GNR - literally that duh nuh nuh nuh nuh; duh nuh nuh nuh nuh.... sends chills down my spine.
* Intergalactic - Beastie Boys - no need for further explanation
* Still Dre - Dr. Dre & Eminem - again, not much of an explanation needed...

They set the tone for whats in store for you...they make the night completely memorable and usually are hard to top...

So this is my mission - I am on the quest for the perfect mix.

Elbow has been included in this mix as a friend sold me on them about a year ago and I can't get enough...so has timeless music like Lou Reed, Miles Davis and newer music like Duffy or Muse...There will be some Frampton and also Peter Gabriel...

Got any suggestions for me? Comment below... It's gotta be perfect!

(this is also the first post i have ever written without a swear word...make it count!)

Dearest readers of the lost blog...this is the flagship entry I think of this year...maybe not that pathetic; but it's close.  But, truth be told I needed a mental shut down.  While life has taken hold of me by both tits, I feel like in some way I have grown, shrunk and have allowed myself to live again in the past x months.

I know you're likely questioning..did she go to re-hab, have plastic surgery...something....and the answer is no.  I have lived.

*I went to New York with work and was able to experience the US Open for Tennis.
*I played with my kids, till my jeans wore thin and got dirty from the sand.
*I lost 14 lbs.

dear USANA...thank you for the RESET kit.  you have made my life enjoyable (because I can wear my sexy jeans now).

I have worked my buns off and still do but I also had almost 2 weeks off and have an entirely different approach to life right now...its insane what time can do.

Anyhow, I figured that as I had the time I would literally devote these past 5 minutes to each and everyone of you.  I mean, how could I not...I hope you all are well and I am going to try to get my ass in gear again as I do have some incredibly funny things to share that had occurred in my life.

What's shakin' in yours?

It's that kinda day when you look at the clock and you swear to god it's been about 3 hours past; however it hasn't even been 5 minutes...


you know those days right?


well Guuuurl you betta listen here....


I know that my random spurts of sanity are something you all may be concerned about; but really you SHOULD be.  Today I have done 2 things that I am still reeling about:


1. I argued with the sales rep at the lingerie store that it's "no wonder, why the wonder bra, leaves me wondering"....she insisted that I was just trying to distract her and when I told her, no "sorry I'm not into chicks" she just stopped and gave me that look...the one from the side where you think they are like "what the fuck did she say?"....  


you may be asking why was I wondering about the wonder bra?  that's another funny story and is also the 2nd thing that is making me reel.


2. I have been dealing with a lot of lady problems... everything from my tits leaking to my dear aunt flo staying for a month - after showing up unannounced.  Ya, she's really a bitch.  Anyhow, so with all of this nonsense I actually decided that seeing a professional (not mental professional) about what was making my body act so out of control.  I had asked them if perhaps I had an alien spawn seed growing inside of me - they responded quite quickly with a "hell no".  I asked it it were possible if my body was so used to be pregnant that perhaps although my tubes were tied that my uterus was taking control of her dementia and was trying to make me crazy.  This they actually thought about, but haven't given me a license to practice medicine so I doubt it.  They did however send me for a battery of tests, blood work, ultrasounds and MRI's I am still left waiting to find out what's wrong.  


The dr's been really sensitive though.  She asked me when the last "milking" I had was (NO JOKE) and then she asked me how much my breasts weigh.


The last time I put them on a scale...


Are you fucking kidding me?  Well after my last milking they were really light, but as I carry 35% milk in my fun bags, today they are about 10 lbs.


Ok, enough joking as jokes about boobies aren't really fun, unless they're fake boobies.  This case and point, mine are real.  But when I told her I didn't know how much my girls weighed she took out a drug scale and told me to unload.


This scale looked like it was hi-jacked from Tony Montana's desk....not that it was covered with a white powdery film but that I swear you would think that with the advances in the medical field - especially surrounding breasts that there would be a super cool scale for them.


Not the case.


Anyhow, so after I found out that I have 9.3 lbs of these bad boys on my chest, I started looking into proper support.  Emotional of course but also from a bra.  I wanted to know about what I could do to help me from falling out of their daily holsters. I have been feeling so trapped with the wardrobe I can wear as constantly they are a concern.


I can't wear button up shirts or they pop out
I can't wear low cut tops as they will be on display
I can't wear a t-shirt as they always look like they are stuffed up to my chin...


I thought that I had been taken care of the last time I went for a fitting (the last time the girls grew) but I am now facing another growth spurt and I am needing some more help.  I finally found 2 great options that don't resemble something crossed between a sports bra or something that my grandmother may have wore.  I feel comfortable but I am seriously missing the $60 per bra that I paid.   Really.  this is how entertaining life is with me.  Don't you wish you were one of the voices in my head?


I am sure that there are bound to be several follow-up appointments that you will be able to laugh through and I am also certain that I might be losing my mind.  With any roadblocks or speed-bumps we face in life, there has got to be some laughter, and I hope that I am able to laugh my way through whatever the heck is happening- I figure as long as I have you guys to laugh at me..  er laugh with me.

I am feeling as if there is no way to win.

Right now, I am trying to balance being a full time mother; part time father and full time employee.  Mr. Insatiable is working 6 days a week and is sleeping for the 7th....it's been totally draining and exhausting!!! I honestly don't know how he's doing it...

I have had many moments of insanity since my last post and many moments where if anyone else was telling this story I am sure that I would turn into the next viral sensation....not quite as great as Rebecca Black but almost as funny as those two twins talking.

There have been moments where I literally locked myself into the washroom just to have a 5 minute break from the "mommy" list.  While I am sitting here, I am trying to figure out how to apologize to Mr. Insatiable for yelling at him to get the fucking kitty litter all because I had to make friggen waffles at 8pm!  Really?!?!  This is the insanity that is my life.

I have been doing well in other aspects of my life.  Weigh in no. 2 and I am down a total of 5.3 lbs in 2 weeks since starting the Biggest Loser on the Wii....so I guess that's the silver lining.  All this stressing out and frustration I am feeling is turning into the biggest calorie burner....    yay me..know rather than being the strung-out mother with a coffee; I'll be the skinny mother who's still crazy. C'est la vie!

What about you?!  I rarely hear from you all and honestly I haven't been able to read my favourite blogs for a ridiculously long time!  Soon enough I'll have my grip on reality enough to be able to balance the act of 'da momma-hood; wife and temptress for Mr. Insatiable...but until then, just know, I miss you all!!!

Peace out!!!

Dearest Readers who are still here, and haven't given up on my like the 4 former readers did.


Today's subject is something that I feel strongly about...ney, ADAMANTLY about...  FUCKING SPAMMERS!!!!   I really don't care about Mr. Sommadublahhaha from Usbeckistan who tells me that I have important business to attend to.  I could give a fucking shit about Madame Ella Mastromeolahon who tells me that we are dear long lost friends.  I don't need friends with strings attached!  I get that on a monthly basis when I have to deal with Aunt Flo...


Spammers are people that have too much time on their hands who also have stolen my email address to tell me these things that I don't care about.  You may be asking, who the hell I think I am as I am now blabbing in a public forum; however, you chose to come to this page, I don't just give it to you.


Today I felt amazing as I had 4 comments on my pantypyramid blog.  This blog has has no pulse for about 5 months....it is something that I had kept near and dear to my heart until several people who signed up for the fun didn't follow through...anyhow, so I had 4 comments, maybe from people who wanted to join; maybe from people who had decided to follow through...something...


no


These four comments were annoying bullshit details that weren't even full sentences.


"These occasions will also call for the hottest party dresses around... Panty lines and bra straps take away from what you have and gotta get fun! pantie panties" (the pantie panties was hyperlinked, but as I am not sure who this annoying person is, I removed it).


Really though, why would you!?


How could you?


It makes me almost want to go to their site and leave comments like "boogers got you down?" or "llamas make great pets" but I refrain.  I hold myself back from doing that because that is completely rude.  People enable comments for feedback, criticism, support and a means of traffic and readership of our blogs and not for that of annoyance.


Anyhow, to you spammers out there...please stop - if you don't something bad will happen to you - call it karma.


And let me tell you - Karma's a BITCH!

I figure that after a 2 month sabbatical from writing I better kick my tits off the ground and get back on the horse.  Where have I been?

Well there could be amazing stories about insanity of mother-hood; living my life on a day-to-day basis; but they would likely be illusions of grander for you all... truthfully my life as of late has been pretty repetitious.  I haven't done much of anything really...but it's been pretty great!

I have managed to get myself into some shit though...yes, your favorite non-blogging blogger has been up to some shit!!!  So as I do enjoy a great story telling I wanted to make it into a game for all of us.  Let's do a multiple choicey thing-a-majig.

Last Sunday...I
a) went to church
b) had my sister and fiancee over for brunch
c) had my sister and fiancee over for brunch, got tipsy on mimosas and then went out for dinner with the hubby and friends
d) went out for dinner with the kids

By occupation, I am a dining specialist.  I make reservations at the worlds top restaurants, and "should" be good at this...If I had gone out for dinner with friends, what time would the reservation have been made at?
a) 6:30 pm
b) 7:00 pm
c) 8:00 pm
d) 5:30 pm

If all statements thus far are true, and I were good at my job....what time would it be unforgivably rude if we showed up to a reservation?
a) 7:00 pm
b) 8:00 pm
c) 9:00 pm
d) no showed

If we were late for any reservation what would have been the likely reason?
a) lost a child at the grocery store
b) went to friends house, had a cocktail or four
c) went to friends house, called the restaurant to push the reservation to a later time, had a cocktail and went to the restaurant.  On the way perhaps the driver was speeding to pass two transport trucks and happened to have gotten pulled over.  If this had happened, and the driver didn't have his license with him; the police officer may have thought that the car was stolen as we couldn't find the ownership and insurance (oh, and by the way, the car we were driving may or may not have been his mother's) oh and then the police officer thought the car was stolen.
d) I had to go pee while driving to the restaurant and we stopped at the side of the hi way, where I was blown over by the gust of wind

If any of these statements were true, would there have been additional circumstances that this story was even remotely possible?
a) yes
b) no

If there were other reasons was it because I
a) ate hash brownies
b) smoked a fatty
c) was wasted off of one drink and smoked something funny
d) all of the above

If there were some altering substances and perhaps I was a tad intoxicated, did we even make it to the restaurant?
a) yes
b) no

Ok, so yes, many layers of amazingness in my life.  Mr. Insatiable felt horrible for not having his license with him, and our friends that were with us, have actually talked to us since it all happened but you know, we did come out on top after all of that.  He only received a ticket for failure to produce the insurance and ownership...  it definitely could have been worse.

Did you pass the quiz?

Tell me though, what have you been up to??

I didn't know how to start this post as I have had a bit of wine but I ate my last supper today ladies!!!

Some of you may not know but it was my 31st birthday yesterday and this is my year of life changes.  Tonight I ate my last supper of not watching what I am eating...not making the right choices or not taking care of myself.  It actually was pretty darn good.

"What did you eat?" you may be thinking...well, I had some olive bread with balsamic and olive oil; roasted garlic with brie; a great salad (lemon/oil/balsamic dressing) and a wicked Capelinni pasta with Shrimp, Crab and Portabello Mushrooms...it was amazing.

I also went shopping with my sister today as I was given some money for my birthday from my dad... we went into a couple stores first and it was a great time...the only thing that wasn't great is that I have a phobia of shopping.  I get all nervous, my eyes get out of whack like I am dizzy or something and I get nervous sweat. I have no idea why but it happens.  This time was ok - there were a few things I was drawn to but she steered me in the right direction and I actually liked what I got!  I got this great beige jacket/blazer, a crochet light blue tank top and a really nice cobalt blue shirt and this great sleeveless sweater with a cowell neck.  The thing was that the process leading up to my purchases resulted in my admitting to myself that I had gained a solid 20 lbs back since my surgery back last year and that I had another 20 lbs sitting on my ass full of feelings... I had literally gained the weight of my daughter!  This made me completely sick!  I looked at my arms and wanted to instantly run back into the room.  It's funny when you look at yourself some days you don't see any thing you love - but today I just saw how much of me there was to love.

I can't wait though as I have a goal and a date to work towards.  Now, I am sitting at 187lbs and I am 5"5'.  I have a pear shaped body.... my tits are huge and my hips are huge...my waist isn't that huge though; however, the fact that my torso is short and my jugs are so friggen large it looks like I don't have a mid section...that's a new topic though.  Look in the future for "breast reduction" as this is something that I am considering....

Anyhow...the goal is my sister's wedding!!!  The date is set for Saturday October 6, 2012 and that will give me ample time to work on this goal and time to learn how to maintain it.  I am really looking forward to it though as I know that when I loose this weight, I'll feel more like me again!!!

I have got my breakfast/lunch all ready for tomorrow.  I made a great wrap of veggies and turkey on weight watchers wraps, tomato and avocado mixed with mustard (1 slice of avocado about 2 cm thick with a squirt of Dijon mustard).  I have an activia vanilla yogurt with 130 MLs of muslix; a banana; water; almonds and raisins.  I think this will make a good balanced day and I wont be wanting to bite my arm off afterwards...  Until the next time I get to talk with you all, I hope that your new year is full of love and happiness.

I have been reading every one's New Years Resolutions on facebook and twitter and I have heard it all before.  I am also that person who used to make a resolution and keep it for a week to then go a head and go on an emotional eating binge.  Whatever, now that I am dawning my 31st birthday, I can tell you in my wise voice that this year will be different.


Each day I want to live with full passion for life.  MY life.  Everything that encompasses it also  - Family, Friends and me - just the way I am.


I will not allow people to walk all over me nor will I allow them to use me for convenience.  I will call a spade a spade and a friend a friend -- WHEN IT'S TRUE.


I will drink whenever the fuck I want - and if I want to have a bottle er...glass of wine a night --- GUESS WHAT - I will - but I wont feel guilty about it afterwards.


I am going to shed 40 lbs this year - not just in total but I will start at 1 and allow it to go from there...  This 40 pounds isn't just weight from the kids - it's 10 pounds of feelings that I have wanted and needed to shed for a long time.  It's 10 pounds of sheer laziness with a pinch of you making me feel aweful about myself or someone's thinking I am not good enough...  I can't believe I have let myself drown in this feeling for so long.  There's got to be a few pounds, so let's call it 5 - of fried foods.  5 for pizza; 5 for baked goodies and 5 for cream and sugar in my coffee.


Once this is done, I will not abuse myself mentally any longer.  I would rather slap myself in the face rather than beat myself up for something that I have no control over....


2011 is going to be a life changer folks and you are all gonna witness it!  I can't wait!!!!  I will write again and more - I will have better thoughts too because once you turn 31 you are instantly a fucking genius.  You also turn 30% hotter.  TRUE FUN FACT: once a women enters her 30's she instantly increases her stats impressively.  Her sex drive revs to a 200 mph; her skin starts to even out and she feels sexy in her own skin. But...when she turns 31 -- man oh man, it's gonna be outstanding.  Keep your eyes and ears peeled my friends.


This year is going to be EPIC.

...it's been a while my friends...


today I am interrupting my 30 Day Photo Challenge to bring some fuckin sass and a bit of attitude.  I'm gonna work this rant like Tyra works her forehead. IM GONNA BE FIERCE.


There have been so many things I wanted to write but literally hadn't found the time nor muster up the balls it takes to really rock out a post...lame I know..whatever, I'll accept the FAIL I just received but you know what fucker?  I am gonna tell you something, I have been blogging for over a year ya know..that means I am somebody!!!


Ok, well ... no it doesn't mean I am somebody, just ask my 100th former-follower who decided to drop me instead of their dependency on reality TV.  Whatever, who needs ya!  


(Narrator  reads over this melodrama) Inside I was dying.  I couldn't believe that I have let myself and my blog go for so long that people, those dedicated readers who make me laugh and feel loved with their words, have started dropping like flies.  2 in one week.  The last time that this happened I lost 8 of them... I got through it right?!  RIGHT!  


Anyhow, so now that I have a more selected audience that'll teach em, I have to say that I have had a few nights out on the town, a great holiday with family and the 3 friends that I currently have and am gearing up for another increase of my age.


Saturday I turn 31.  I was talking with a friend from work who just turned 31 on Friday and she had the best idea...tell people I'm 40, so that way in 9 years I am really great at it and feel confident enough to rock it.  Not only this, but how many people will be like.."you're 40, you look amazing!"    Ya, that's right!  Well she was the bomb for this thinking and I am going to now adhere to the same strategy.


Two weeks ago, I saw Chelsea Handler.  Who knew that she was banging 50?!  oh, sorry, Fiddy.  I sure as shit didn't but I do know that i haven't laughed so hard as I did that night.  If it weren't for her talking about how her friend of the "homosexual" variety goes to bleach his asshole (SOMETHING THAT I AM SERIOUSLY CONFUSED OVER).  As she isn't a "follower" and rather prefers herself a "trendsetter" she tells us how she used a Crest White Strip to do the job!  We heard about how she hates balls and how much she loved to play with her Coslopus.  Seriously who knew that I had enough patience to listen to a valley girl?!  Cuz that was the biggest shock to me!


If you get the chance, I suggest reading all of her books; watch her TV show and then stalk her on twitter.  She's hella-funny and that's my bit on Chelsea Handler.


Christmas came faster than the 3 minute quickie that Mr. Insatiable and I had the other night.   It was full of laughter, my kids getting spoiled and a whirlwind of visiting family, lack of alcohol for some reason and ended with a new addiction to my Wii.  I am a Wii-whore. These mario brother's don't know what they have inherited now that I am on their side.  Fuck I wish I had an animated self... I think that sadly I would look like Toad and King Coopa had a daughter though.


Anyhow, I am really glad that I got this post out also because I have a big year ahead of me.  I am taking my health head on and am making life changes!  I am going to have even more fun than I had this year and I am taking all of you bitches with me!  If you can't handle it, then jump ship now - cuz it's gonna be a great one!!!


On a serious note though, I sincerely wish you all have an amazing New Year!  I wish to you all success, wealth and health.


Keep it real mo'fo's!!