I want to grow up and be happy;
I want to feel young and walk proud.
I want to age and feel graceful;
Not to walk under this cloud.

I want to dance in your sunshine;
I want to walk in your smile.
I want to hold on to your heartbeat;
No to feel cast aside.

When moments turn to minutes;
And days turn to night.
I want to hold you close to me;
I don't care who's right.


Whisper your thoughts to me;
Tell me all of your fears.
Don't push me away from you;
You will drive me to tears.

Life passes by daily;
Slipping through our hands.
Grab each moment you're given;
Or alone is where you will stand.


Its been a while since we've talked and I am not sure if you even want to still but I figured I would be the adult here for once and I would talk first.

I am slowly getting back to writing daily and its nice to say that I have had some inspiration as of late.

I had many hilarious things to talk about then I got started on a new mix for my ipod.

Its incredibly difficult to make a mix for any occasion but the one that I am considering will take me a few days.  You know those mixes that let you sit back with your hands behind your head...they let your eyes close and sink into that void of contentment...

Its like when you're at a concert and the main act comes out for the first hear the guitars humming while they are tuned.  You hear the crowds anticipation building for those first few chords to make the experience take flight.  Examples of best 1st songs at concerts:
* Welcome to the Jungle - GNR - literally that duh nuh nuh nuh nuh; duh nuh nuh nuh nuh.... sends chills down my spine.
* Intergalactic - Beastie Boys - no need for further explanation
* Still Dre - Dr. Dre & Eminem - again, not much of an explanation needed...

They set the tone for whats in store for you...they make the night completely memorable and usually are hard to top...

So this is my mission - I am on the quest for the perfect mix.

Elbow has been included in this mix as a friend sold me on them about a year ago and I can't get has timeless music like Lou Reed, Miles Davis and newer music like Duffy or Muse...There will be some Frampton and also Peter Gabriel...

Got any suggestions for me? Comment below... It's gotta be perfect!

(this is also the first post i have ever written without a swear word...make it count!)


well, i've been afraid of changin'
cuz, I've built my life around you.
but time makes you bolder;
children get older;
I'm gettin' older, too...

Sometimes after sitting here and reflecting on the days that have gone by, I am astounded by how my children have shaped my life.  As sarcastic as I may be, each little breath they take grabs a hold of my heart-strings and pulls me that much closer to them. 

Times, they are a changin that's for sure...and I can't wait for the next chapter...

There once was a Host from Nantucket....

There once was a host from Nantucket;
Who had a blog and then said fuck it.
She felt rushed for time;
Didn't make a dime;
So she stopped writing for a while, so just suck it.

After a while the host became board;
She literally started to hoard;
Not a scary type binge;
But an array of such things;
That she purged her collection and gorged.

The Host wasn't some lame-ass mom;
Who didn't care about right from wrong;
She missed her blog tons;
But couldn't get off her buns;
For her posts to be witty and spot-on.

One day the Host became scary.
That bitch even let her legs grow hairy;
She had a stiff drink;
Her eyes they did blink
As she woke up to her blog-mother fairy.

Dear host, she did say;
why, you're gonna go grey;
Get up off your ass;
and write with spunk and some sass;
Now hurry up - don't stop along the way...

Dearest readers of the lost blog...this is the flagship entry I think of this year...maybe not that pathetic; but it's close.  But, truth be told I needed a mental shut down.  While life has taken hold of me by both tits, I feel like in some way I have grown, shrunk and have allowed myself to live again in the past x months.

I know you're likely questioning..did she go to re-hab, have plastic surgery...something....and the answer is no.  I have lived.

*I went to New York with work and was able to experience the US Open for Tennis.
*I played with my kids, till my jeans wore thin and got dirty from the sand.
*I lost 14 lbs.
...did I mention I lost 14 lbs?

You're fuckin right I did...

dear USANA...thank you for the RESET kit.  you have made my life enjoyable (because I can wear my sexy jeans now).

I have worked my buns off and still do but I also had almost 2 weeks off and have an entirely different approach to life right now...its insane what time can do.

Anyhow, I figured that as I had the time I would literally devote these past 5 minutes to each and everyone of you.  I mean, how could I not...I hope you all are well and I am going to try to get my ass in gear again as I do have some incredibly funny things to share that had occurred in my life.

What's shakin' in yours?

Cloudy with a Chance of Insanity...

It's that kinda day when you look at the clock and you swear to god it's been about 3 hours past; however it hasn't even been 5 minutes...

you know those days right?

well Guuuurl you betta listen here....

I know that my random spurts of sanity are something you all may be concerned about; but really you SHOULD be.  Today I have done 2 things that I am still reeling about:

1. I argued with the sales rep at the lingerie store that it's "no wonder, why the wonder bra, leaves me wondering"....she insisted that I was just trying to distract her and when I told her, no "sorry I'm not into chicks" she just stopped and gave me that look...the one from the side where you think they are like "what the fuck did she say?"....  

you may be asking why was I wondering about the wonder bra?  that's another funny story and is also the 2nd thing that is making me reel.

2. I have been dealing with a lot of lady problems... everything from my tits leaking to my dear aunt flo staying for a month - after showing up unannounced.  Ya, she's really a bitch.  Anyhow, so with all of this nonsense I actually decided that seeing a professional (not mental professional) about what was making my body act so out of control.  I had asked them if perhaps I had an alien spawn seed growing inside of me - they responded quite quickly with a "hell no".  I asked it it were possible if my body was so used to be pregnant that perhaps although my tubes were tied that my uterus was taking control of her dementia and was trying to make me crazy.  This they actually thought about, but haven't given me a license to practice medicine so I doubt it.  They did however send me for a battery of tests, blood work, ultrasounds and MRI's I am still left waiting to find out what's wrong.  

The dr's been really sensitive though.  She asked me when the last "milking" I had was (NO JOKE) and then she asked me how much my breasts weigh.

The last time I put them on a scale...

Are you fucking kidding me?  Well after my last milking they were really light, but as I carry 35% milk in my fun bags, today they are about 10 lbs.

Ok, enough joking as jokes about boobies aren't really fun, unless they're fake boobies.  This case and point, mine are real.  But when I told her I didn't know how much my girls weighed she took out a drug scale and told me to unload.

This scale looked like it was hi-jacked from Tony Montana's desk....not that it was covered with a white powdery film but that I swear you would think that with the advances in the medical field - especially surrounding breasts that there would be a super cool scale for them.

Not the case.

Anyhow, so after I found out that I have 9.3 lbs of these bad boys on my chest, I started looking into proper support.  Emotional of course but also from a bra.  I wanted to know about what I could do to help me from falling out of their daily holsters. I have been feeling so trapped with the wardrobe I can wear as constantly they are a concern.

I can't wear button up shirts or they pop out
I can't wear low cut tops as they will be on display
I can't wear a t-shirt as they always look like they are stuffed up to my chin...

I thought that I had been taken care of the last time I went for a fitting (the last time the girls grew) but I am now facing another growth spurt and I am needing some more help.  I finally found 2 great options that don't resemble something crossed between a sports bra or something that my grandmother may have wore.  I feel comfortable but I am seriously missing the $60 per bra that I paid.   Really.  this is how entertaining life is with me.  Don't you wish you were one of the voices in my head?

I am sure that there are bound to be several follow-up appointments that you will be able to laugh through and I am also certain that I might be losing my mind.  With any roadblocks or speed-bumps we face in life, there has got to be some laughter, and I hope that I am able to laugh my way through whatever the heck is happening- I figure as long as I have you guys to laugh at me..  er laugh with me.

Bitter Sweet Misery

I am feeling as if there is no way to win.

Right now, I am trying to balance being a full time mother; part time father and full time employee.  Mr. Insatiable is working 6 days a week and is sleeping for the's been totally draining and exhausting!!! I honestly don't know how he's doing it...

I have had many moments of insanity since my last post and many moments where if anyone else was telling this story I am sure that I would turn into the next viral sensation....not quite as great as Rebecca Black but almost as funny as those two twins talking.

There have been moments where I literally locked myself into the washroom just to have a 5 minute break from the "mommy" list.  While I am sitting here, I am trying to figure out how to apologize to Mr. Insatiable for yelling at him to get the fucking kitty litter all because I had to make friggen waffles at 8pm!  Really?!?!  This is the insanity that is my life.

I have been doing well in other aspects of my life.  Weigh in no. 2 and I am down a total of 5.3 lbs in 2 weeks since starting the Biggest Loser on the I guess that's the silver lining.  All this stressing out and frustration I am feeling is turning into the biggest calorie burner....    yay me..know rather than being the strung-out mother with a coffee; I'll be the skinny mother who's still crazy. C'est la vie!

What about you?!  I rarely hear from you all and honestly I haven't been able to read my favourite blogs for a ridiculously long time!  Soon enough I'll have my grip on reality enough to be able to balance the act of 'da momma-hood; wife and temptress for Mr. Insatiable...but until then, just know, I miss you all!!!

Peace out!!!

SPAM's a bitch!

Dearest Readers who are still here, and haven't given up on my like the 4 former readers did.

Today's subject is something that I feel strongly about...ney, ADAMANTLY about...  FUCKING SPAMMERS!!!!   I really don't care about Mr. Sommadublahhaha from Usbeckistan who tells me that I have important business to attend to.  I could give a fucking shit about Madame Ella Mastromeolahon who tells me that we are dear long lost friends.  I don't need friends with strings attached!  I get that on a monthly basis when I have to deal with Aunt Flo...

Spammers are people that have too much time on their hands who also have stolen my email address to tell me these things that I don't care about.  You may be asking, who the hell I think I am as I am now blabbing in a public forum; however, you chose to come to this page, I don't just give it to you.

Today I felt amazing as I had 4 comments on my pantypyramid blog.  This blog has has no pulse for about 5 is something that I had kept near and dear to my heart until several people who signed up for the fun didn't follow through...anyhow, so I had 4 comments, maybe from people who wanted to join; maybe from people who had decided to follow through...something...


These four comments were annoying bullshit details that weren't even full sentences.

"These occasions will also call for the hottest party dresses around... Panty lines and bra straps take away from what you have and gotta get fun! pantie panties" (the pantie panties was hyperlinked, but as I am not sure who this annoying person is, I removed it).

Really though, why would you!?

How could you?

It makes me almost want to go to their site and leave comments like "boogers got you down?" or "llamas make great pets" but I refrain.  I hold myself back from doing that because that is completely rude.  People enable comments for feedback, criticism, support and a means of traffic and readership of our blogs and not for that of annoyance.

Anyhow, to you spammers out there...please stop - if you don't something bad will happen to you - call it karma.

And let me tell you - Karma's a BITCH!

Holy Bat-Shit-Crazy Kids

I have kids; you likely have kids... people have kids.

Yesterday was an adventure from hell I tell ya.  

It's such a blast when they all start to not listen while we are in a home furnishing store.  I can't tell you how much love there is in my voice after telling them to stop climbing on the furniture that is displayed - or that when I told my son "no you can't have jelly beans that cost $12 for the package"...he turned into a friggen psycho.  I literally almost turned into a fucking turtle and sunk into my shell.  AND to top it off, the little bitch-face cashier just looked at me and rolled her eyes!

Well... we all know that I am not one to fuck with, especially when the critters are making it hard to win the battle.  I happened to ask her if this was amusing -- she just looked at me with the dumbest expression on her face.  When this happened, I politely grit my teeth together and told her that if she didn't hurry the fuck up that I would climb over the counter and switch places with her.  I also told her I would pay her $50 bucks to take that friggen look off her face and do her job rather than judging a mother who is going through a mega meltdown.  She didn't understand,  and again rolled her friggen eyes.  To her manager, I feel awful for the letter that I have written my rant to, as I feel that after I am done, that poor girl may not have a job to pay for her fake nails and cell phone bill.

Lucas though she was rolling her eyes at him and started to wail even more.  In my head I was a volcano erupting.  I heard my heart beat in my ears and felt that little twitch in my neck start.  She had that dumb look on her face too where her mouth just gaped open and she flung her hair to the side, and then Lucas said "stop rolling your eyes at me lady, it's really rude and you're hurting my feelings".  Well that was it.  I may have lost it again...on her.

Yes he was freaking out.
Yes he wasn't listening to me
Yes we were in public and I was beyond humiliated...
BUT He is 3!  This is what happens...  She totally made him feel horrible and didn't let her get away with it.

I am glad that he said something; although maybe the fact that I was going through the trauma of him freaking out and my wanting to clobber the girl with the new lamp I bought, I wasn't sure what side of my internal war was going to win.

I looked down at my little man, and he looked up at me, with tears in his eyes and said "momma, I'm sorry for being such a bad boy..and I love you so much momma"..well that ended the twitching.... I turned to her, and she was trying to take my payment.  I asked her if she could please start bagging up my lamps and painting, and also was asking if there could be a carry out for me as I have 3 kids with me...

no answer


no answer, she was busy talking to another girl...something about her plans for later.

Excuse me miss.  When you're finished with planning your night out could you please let me know so I can get out of this store...I am not sure if you realize that this isn't ideal for me either and the noise from my son is making my head spin around.

I couldn't believe it!!!  That'll teach me, I'll never bring the kids out again to a store that is supposed to make me feel happy!

Waaaay the hell outta left field

I figure that after a 2 month sabbatical from writing I better kick my tits off the ground and get back on the horse.  Where have I been?

Well there could be amazing stories about insanity of mother-hood; living my life on a day-to-day basis; but they would likely be illusions of grander for you all... truthfully my life as of late has been pretty repetitious.  I haven't done much of anything really...but it's been pretty great!

I have managed to get myself into some shit though...yes, your favorite non-blogging blogger has been up to some shit!!!  So as I do enjoy a great story telling I wanted to make it into a game for all of us.  Let's do a multiple choicey thing-a-majig.

Last Sunday...I
a) went to church
b) had my sister and fiancee over for brunch
c) had my sister and fiancee over for brunch, got tipsy on mimosas and then went out for dinner with the hubby and friends
d) went out for dinner with the kids

By occupation, I am a dining specialist.  I make reservations at the worlds top restaurants, and "should" be good at this...If I had gone out for dinner with friends, what time would the reservation have been made at?
a) 6:30 pm
b) 7:00 pm
c) 8:00 pm
d) 5:30 pm

If all statements thus far are true, and I were good at my job....what time would it be unforgivably rude if we showed up to a reservation?
a) 7:00 pm
b) 8:00 pm
c) 9:00 pm
d) no showed

If we were late for any reservation what would have been the likely reason?
a) lost a child at the grocery store
b) went to friends house, had a cocktail or four
c) went to friends house, called the restaurant to push the reservation to a later time, had a cocktail and went to the restaurant.  On the way perhaps the driver was speeding to pass two transport trucks and happened to have gotten pulled over.  If this had happened, and the driver didn't have his license with him; the police officer may have thought that the car was stolen as we couldn't find the ownership and insurance (oh, and by the way, the car we were driving may or may not have been his mother's) oh and then the police officer thought the car was stolen.
d) I had to go pee while driving to the restaurant and we stopped at the side of the hi way, where I was blown over by the gust of wind

If any of these statements were true, would there have been additional circumstances that this story was even remotely possible?
a) yes
b) no

If there were other reasons was it because I
a) ate hash brownies
b) smoked a fatty
c) was wasted off of one drink and smoked something funny
d) all of the above

If there were some altering substances and perhaps I was a tad intoxicated, did we even make it to the restaurant?
a) yes
b) no

Ok, so yes, many layers of amazingness in my life.  Mr. Insatiable felt horrible for not having his license with him, and our friends that were with us, have actually talked to us since it all happened but you know, we did come out on top after all of that.  He only received a ticket for failure to produce the insurance and ownership...  it definitely could have been worse.

Did you pass the quiz?

Tell me though, what have you been up to??

The Last Supper

I didn't know how to start this post as I have had a bit of wine but I ate my last supper today ladies!!!

Some of you may not know but it was my 31st birthday yesterday and this is my year of life changes.  Tonight I ate my last supper of not watching what I am eating...not making the right choices or not taking care of myself.  It actually was pretty darn good.

"What did you eat?" you may be thinking...well, I had some olive bread with balsamic and olive oil; roasted garlic with brie; a great salad (lemon/oil/balsamic dressing) and a wicked Capelinni pasta with Shrimp, Crab and Portabello was amazing.

I also went shopping with my sister today as I was given some money for my birthday from my dad... we went into a couple stores first and it was a great time...the only thing that wasn't great is that I have a phobia of shopping.  I get all nervous, my eyes get out of whack like I am dizzy or something and I get nervous sweat. I have no idea why but it happens.  This time was ok - there were a few things I was drawn to but she steered me in the right direction and I actually liked what I got!  I got this great beige jacket/blazer, a crochet light blue tank top and a really nice cobalt blue shirt and this great sleeveless sweater with a cowell neck.  The thing was that the process leading up to my purchases resulted in my admitting to myself that I had gained a solid 20 lbs back since my surgery back last year and that I had another 20 lbs sitting on my ass full of feelings... I had literally gained the weight of my daughter!  This made me completely sick!  I looked at my arms and wanted to instantly run back into the room.  It's funny when you look at yourself some days you don't see any thing you love - but today I just saw how much of me there was to love.

I can't wait though as I have a goal and a date to work towards.  Now, I am sitting at 187lbs and I am 5"5'.  I have a pear shaped body.... my tits are huge and my hips are waist isn't that huge though; however, the fact that my torso is short and my jugs are so friggen large it looks like I don't have a mid section...that's a new topic though.  Look in the future for "breast reduction" as this is something that I am considering....

Anyhow...the goal is my sister's wedding!!!  The date is set for Saturday October 6, 2012 and that will give me ample time to work on this goal and time to learn how to maintain it.  I am really looking forward to it though as I know that when I loose this weight, I'll feel more like me again!!!

I have got my breakfast/lunch all ready for tomorrow.  I made a great wrap of veggies and turkey on weight watchers wraps, tomato and avocado mixed with mustard (1 slice of avocado about 2 cm thick with a squirt of Dijon mustard).  I have an activia vanilla yogurt with 130 MLs of muslix; a banana; water; almonds and raisins.  I think this will make a good balanced day and I wont be wanting to bite my arm off afterwards...  Until the next time I get to talk with you all, I hope that your new year is full of love and happiness.