Yesterday some little shit rear ended me.
We were at a complete stop (as there was a red light). As most people tend to stop at a red and go at a green, this person decided that this was not their niche. It wasn't serious by any means but I was with the kids and I as alone.
I had no idea what to do as all that was streaming through my head was YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!! I started trembling and shaking but I didn't let the tears surface. I mean, that would have freaked everyone out, right?
The kid who hit us was really upset - he knew he messed up and really he was just a totally decent person about the whole ordeal and made sure to check with me to see if I had kids (as I was driving a van).
I haven't been in an accident when it was just me or just me with the kids, so instinctively I called my husband to tell him and get some support to hold my shit together. We had the ambulance come check us out and aside from a little whiplash on me, I think we will live through it...I just totally hated that feeling.
You know that feeling.
Where you start to think about if it were worse? Like if the accident left me unconscious and the 6, 5 and 3 year olds would have to take care of me....I can't shake the feeling of being helpless and depending on them. Needless to say last night the kids got the emergency training.
Seat-belt check list
911 dialing techniques and how to unlock a cell phone.
I feel a little over protective but I really had a good scare put into me and now I just want to be prepared. Or, at least as prepared as one can be.
I can't shake that feeling - and my head is racing. Will it ever stop? Yo. I don't know....turn off the lights and I'll glow. :)
Happy Sunday peeps - how have you been?
Yesterday some little shit rear ended me.
As you know my adventure of blogging started almost a year ago. At first my initial reasoning was to blog about cooking and how great that was. I mean, I love to cook - the kids and I do it every night; however, I wasn't letting my true voice shine.
There's a hell of a lot of personality here folks, and its really hard to hide...
I tried to write perspective pieces and they fell short -
I wrote pieces about things near and dear to me - again, leaving me feel as if there was a blank page infront of me.
I started to listen to my online friends....Sarah from Running with Scissors, Jennifer from Ex Hot Girl, Julie from A Day in the Wife and Sue from Did I Just Eat that Out Loud (ps SUE HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!) ...they were all talking about their "voice" and my "voice". As writers we know it's more so about self discovery and causing/making a reaction rather than the one thought provoking statement.
Through writing these posts and reading all along the journey you all have taken I have learned a thing or two about myself. I have learned that no matter what; there is only one man that I can ever depend on- one man that will only truly care...I am so lucky to have married him.
Through these writings, I have leared about me. What makes me laugh; what holds me from crying. I have done things that I wouldn't have ever done before! I think that on the road to self discovery things are revealed that you aren't expecting. People may not support you - but you also find out who your pillars of strength really are...and you learn how to test your boundaries.
I think that as it's been 1 year that I have blogged about me..I guess what I am still tryin g to say is that I blog so that I can own upto my own feelings...I blog to break down my defenses and show you the real person that I am inside; the one you don't see very often....
I just hope you all know that I luvs ya all and really love writing. I just hope that I can keep doing it!
Thanks for all the fun and let me know how you all are.
...and she moves you.
...and she knows just what. it takes. to make you notice...
I think that if I were alive while she was a young woman; she and I would be inseparable. We would have had the type of friendship that no matter what, we would have been the best of friends. I would have been there on the cruise around the world when my grandfather bought that ridiculous hat that made her look like a Q-Tip.
We would have written letters when life took us in different directions. Those letters would have been the things that kept me young. Words that I lived by and memories that would last me well past my years.
You see, she was delightful. A real gem - that's what everyone said. At her funeral they kept telling me that I was really lucky to have her in my life...but you know...they were the lucky ones. They were better people to be in her presence.
No matter what, her laugh filled your heart and wrapped it's arms around you and made you feel home. No matter who you were, you always were full of love...and meatballs. Regardless your position in life, she always made you know that when she told you she was thinking of you - you knew she was sincere.
I think that if we were to have met that at age 17 it would have been the best age...we both were quite intelligent and if I may be shallow - we were gorgeous. We had it all at this age! The difference that I see now, is that she knew she had it - and I am still trying to remember what that felt like.
Her love life was full and complete - like that of a fairy tale. I would have been jealous of how romantic the gestures that my grandfather had doted upon her - but I also would trade it for anything in this world just to be able to know him. I remember his smell and although I was less than a year when we lost him, I will always remember that smell.
When I looked at her when she was in the hospital - I saw what she meant by "my life has had many triumphs...many days where I laughed uncontrollably" that was the day she told me to not cry for her when she is gone - and the same day that I told her to "shut up" because I knew even then, that I would be an emotional basket case...she was right. I still haven't cried for her...don't get me wrong...I have shed tears - those ones that you allow sneak out of your heart while you are lying down...the ones that you blame on the commercial you just saw - or the ones that you feel come on and suffocate your throat when you think about her...those ones are different...
If I had that day over again, I likely would have put my foot down and asked everyone to leave me the hell alone. They too knew that I wanted more time with her - and that I couldn't buy any more either...all I wanted to do was ask her questions. I had asked her every question I ever wanted to explore the answers, but I would have asked them again to see if I could gain any insight into how to live and be as happy as she was. How could I possibly live my life and be half the woman that she was. For some strange reason she kept telling me that I was already -- but I don't see that woman yet. Maybe she is there. Maybe she is lost....or forgotten.
Regardless of the shoulda' coulda' woulda's...I know that she was the true essence of being a lady. She
A true lady was she.
She had Betty Davis Eyes....
Why am I so forgiving?
i don't understand why I am so forgiving...does it mean that I am a
weak person and let people walk over me, or does it mean I am strong for being able
to put it in the past...I don't think there is an answer..
There are many things that have occurred to me, around me etc and I have this inhumane capacity to tolerate bullshit.
As we know life isn't easy and often people get hurt, hurt you or ending hurting others without realizing it. I am here with scars on my soul so deep that you would think I am the most jaded person out there....but really I am not. I just swallow my pride a lot. Bite my tongue.
Times where I have been so
humiliated and ashamed
to hold my head up. I wonder what is in me that makes me still to this day, almost ignore all of the residual hurt and shame which still allows me to function. I haven't really ever forgiven those who have hurt me so bad...instead I have over looked it, swept it under the rug and charged ahead.
Perhaps that's the secret....I deal with things, I say whats on my mind (you all should know that) but when it would end up hurting someone even more;
When looking at myself now, and am trying to improve myself along the way, I wonder if this is a part of me that should change or not? Should I keep swallowing or spit out this nonsense?
What do you think...do you spit or swallow?
(Your PRIDE...dirty piggies)
Day number 2 of this challenge...I am ready for it. I am ready for this because I really love this idea.
This post means a lot to me as it's really about who I am. Looking back over 10 years I have seen many things, lived through a lot and bought the T-shirts...one thing that surpasses any experience (good or bad) is no matter what, when I let myself just write without boundaries...something like this happens. I hope you enjoy....
This was the moment I knew I could kill another human being...the Lioness protecting her cubs. My roar could be heard through the entire forest-and they all knew I had to know what was going on. Thankfully, she was fine but wasn't breathing very well. She had a little rattling in her chest and she also was lacking in colour. My little dove was swept away from me without one instant of allowing me to gaze into her eyes, and having the chance to grow another heart for her to hold. She finally came back to my arms 7 hours later, after the epidural ended its course and allowed the one leg it did freeze to walk; after I had cried myself into an awake state of calm; after I had screamed at everyone around me and after my husband was able to say "hello". We finally had our family reunion, where we just sat all in his arms breathing her baby scent in, counting her fingers and toes; being held by her grace. Isabella was here.
2006 was the year that I knew something had to give. Having 2 children under 2 is incredibly busy, scary and hard. The rewards far outweighed everything that scared me as a mother; gave me insecurities as a woman and baited me like a habit. They were every where...a room full of noise suddenly sounded as calm as the ocean when they laughed. The darkest, dullest day brightened instantly when Sophia started to talk and I heard her say "Daddy". The worst days of Isabella's health issues were lightened with her smile and just how happy her eyes were. These big, beautiful blue eyes with so much life and happiness in them...just captivated me...and still do.
2006 was tragic. The strongest woman in the world I knew, left this world. Her grace and poise has been embedded on all the lives she touched. She captivated us all with her laugh, her sense of life and her value of family. She held our hearts with her last breath. She still takes my breath away when I think of her and my heart aches and falls apart with each memory. I wouldn't take this pain away because that is how I know she was real and it's the closest to hearing her laugh each time I cry.
2006 was supposed to be the year that I didn't get pregnant right in a row, and we did everything possible to not get pregnant. I was on the pill, we used condoms and when the condom broke, I went to get the morning after pill and still ended up in the hospital on June 2 (4 weeks early) pushing for 5 minutes until he was here.
2007 became the year I grew into motherhood.
He is the reason why love stories are written.
He is the one man in the world that could take me to this place in "love" where there isn't anything he could say or do that would make me stop caring. Not saying that I don't unconditionally love the girls; but when you have a son, it's your only chance to make the perfect man - and you want to be sure that you do everything in your power not to mess this one up.
He held me with his smile the moment he was in my arms
He held me with his breaths, as if I was as light as a feather.
He carried my spirits when they were low and instantly brightened them.
He was healthy, happy and affectionate when I needed a snuggle.
The day that he said "momma" I cried for almost an hour and am welling up with that very thought.
The day he was born, Daniel's dreams came true.
Daniel now has someone to carry his family name along and teach the values of our heritage, culture and to grow into a great father, just like he.
Daniel's eyes were passed along to him, and it was like looking at Daniel when he was a child.
His grandparent's life was complete with the girls - or so they thought. He held their hearts with his smile and his laugh.
She didn't get to meet him - and I know she would have been just as in love as I. She knew his name, and that he was coming and I know that if she met him, she would have been held in his heart forever. Now she is just a memory that we keep playing over and over in our hearts and minds...one that he will never completely understand; even though every time we pass by her grave he tells her he loves her. Love without first sight.
2008 was a changing year for me. I started a new job, left my babies behind for someone to take care of and mold.
2008 he took his first steps while I was at work; he took his first steps while his father only could imagine it.
2008 was the year that my first born angel started school.
I was a mother of a school-aged child.
I was a mother of 3 angles; miracles; little glimpses of my childhood fantasies of what being a mother would be like.
I had not only a husband to be a wife to; I had 3 children to teach, love and cherish...how would I do this all?
2009 is a year of uncertainty and even now, at its end I am uncertain.
There are many things that I know:
I know that my family is the most important thing to me.
I know that my husbands love is the one thing that keeps me grounded - even when I feel upside-down - I know that he loves me.I know that I grew a new heart with each of my children's births and that no matter how big or small I am physically, these hearts are the biggest hearts anyone has ever seen. They are the yottabyte hearts of the anatomy.
2009 has had many successes in careers, and personal relationships and in my marriage.2009 is a year that I can not wait to put this all behind me and look on to a new decade; a new age and a new hope for the next 10 years.
"Welcome Back Blogger"
So as many of you know, I am a part of the SITS family. A wonderfully supportive group of women bloggers - bloggers that write of mommy tales, SISTER-hood and more...a group of women who keep strength and support going for many of us...if you want to know more...have you seen their button? Well if not, it's listed on the bottom right column or you can just take the easy way and click HERE
Anyhow, so last week they had a challenge to get you "back to blogging" that was paired nicely with Back to School...anyhow, so as I have been so pre-occupied with life and everything else, I really thought that it would be great to follow-through with this challenge - even if it is a week late.
Anyhow, so the first challenge:
And it is now 6:00 pm. I have a stew of "tout et n'importe quoi à partir de mon frigo va dans un pot" simmering; the kids are helping me tidy up for the night and a bottle of Barolo is decanting as we speak. This is what I live for - what I dream of daily and what lingers on my palate until my next culinary adventure. nothing has changed :) I am a mother of three darling little critters. My children are 5, 4 and 2 (now 6, 5 and 3) and yes this does make our lives interesting and full of the unknown. I have both varieties of children; the girls are the eldest and then the boy. I think that it's paramount that my children enjoy cooking and sharing food and laughter at the table. This is one of the foundations that I hope to pass along to them. When you sit at the table, after you have prepared a meal; built up your hunger through each chop, slice and dash; felt your tummy flip around like a fish out of water at the aromas in your house...the art of enjoying food... (Sigh) I AM STARVING! (still am) Tonight’s meal is simply put - Soul Food. Bruschetta of roasted red peppers, inoki mushrooms, roma and watermelon tomatoes, fresh pineapple basil and of course EVOO (you may be asking "is Rachel Ray joining them???”Why not?! Between her, Cat Cora, Julia Child, my family and all of you...welcome). I can't wait to enjoy this, as I have some goat cheese that is more excited to top the bruschetta than I am to eat it. The bread is lightly dressed with olive oil, fleur de sel and roasted garlic. We break the bread! I think that enjoying bread or buying bread, is like buying a diamond. The clarity...the cut...much like the crunch, the smell and the piece de resistance the dough...tonight, we are enjoying a simple sourdough loaf from my favorite bakery in town Pane Fresco (perhaps royalties are in my future???) I have to say that Marc Albanese is one of a kind, and truly a genius with bread. Who would have thought that there is a genius art form in flour, eggs, yeast and water...sheer genius. Any, so the bread is cut on the bias in 2 inch segments and after brushing the greatest invention in the world over them (EVOO), they are placed to broil on low for only a few minutes (2 in my stove, who knows in yours - just to a slight golden brown). I use just a simple rack to ensure that the bottom doesn't get soggy (cuz that's just wrong). I have my bruschetta pretty much done, as the ingredients are usually sitting in my fridge ready to go. Roasted red peppers are great to do in advance and freeze; inoki mushroom still in the bag; roma and grape tomatoes (thickly diced); roasted garlic; red onion diced and a great seasoning of salt and pepper. The pineapple basil is just from the garden and I take a handful and rip it up. Now that everything is good to go, I get the kids to top the bread, and the middle critter is the goat cheese freak. She gets the cheese all over, eats the majority, but the remainder tops our bruschetta making it look better than snow capped mountains. Again a gentle swirl of olive oil, fresh pepper and salt (grinded in a mill) then back to the oven to broil. The stew is now on the lowest possible heat! I can't believe how wonderful stew makes you feel. Today is usually the day that I like to clear out the fridge of this week’s vegetables, meats, leftovers and all as Sunday is Market/Grocery day! I have added, butternut and spaghetti squash (cubed and roasted on their own with garlic); sweet potatoes and Yukon gold’s; a couple cans of Roma stewed tomatoes ( I like to squish them in my hands before I put them in); a variety of lentils that have soaked and beans that have been bathed; there is chicken that I picked off of the carcass (thank you Metro 24); the skewer of spicy shrimp that I had from last night (there was 6 shrimp only so I had to dice them up); garlic cloves (roasted ones from the squash); red onion and half a Spanish onion; and seasonings of smoked and dehydrated peppers, a bay leaf, rosemary (just a little bit of powder), garlic, salt, pepper, red wine (no not the Barolo - it's actually the left over’s from a bottle that I didn't love (me, not love a bottle??? I know it's rare for those who know me, but anyhow, it was a bottle of Santa Carolina and for some reason, Chilean wine and I don't dance well together). (totally impressed at the use of my words) So there it is...simmering and bubbling away on my stove. I have also made a simple salad - this is a must! I enjoy salad so much that I could eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner. This glorious green masterpiece is just mesculin mix (extra frisee), cucumbers (from Ben's garden), red onion, red, orange and yellow bell peppers for the crunch, roasted red peppers (the left over’s from the bruschetta), roasted eggplant, sunflower seeds and craisens. I have dressed this salad with my homemade berry vinaigrette. It tastes delicious; however, truth be known, the colour of this dressing looks horrid - bright pink ick! Perhaps if anyone reads this diatribe, they will tell me how to control the colour. We now sit down at the table, eyes wide open, lips are being licked, and the smiles and laughter start to roll out uncontrollably. This is my heart and my life. The time that my family sits together and eats, is the best part of the day. The kids for the first few bites are silent aside from the crunching and slurping of their meal; however, as soon as it starts to settle in their stomachs the antics begin. The old one says how wonderful it is, the middle just giggles as she finds the cup of her hand full of the bruschetta mix and the little critter just watches and eats. I can't deny it really is great! I don’t know what is actually the best part of this meal...is it the bruschetta with the goats cheese so creamy and with that golden tinge to the tops? Perhaps it's the bottle of Barolo that had been sitting in the decanter, tempting me taunting me and flirting with its legs...no, it's the fact that at this very moment, nothing could be better than breaking bread, laughing and enjoying it with my family. Thanks for coming to dinner! Tomorrow is shopping, so let’s see what we get at the market and the store. My hope is for an incredible cheese (rich and creamy with a hint of smoke) so that I can make a multi grain pizza of vegetables; or a great steak for selfish reasons to go along side of my homemade frites...mmm. I also have to venture to the LCBO and pick out a few bottles for the week. Red, White and perhaps something clear hmmmm...Gin anyone?
Well there it is...i am incredibly hungry now and also am really proud of myself - and Mr. Insatiable. Rather than blogging about our food and how I wish that everyone would enjoy our delights we are starting to write a cook book. Details on this will follow soon enough; however, if anyone has ideas or knowledge on how to do it right I am open to ideas.
Have fun chickas!!! Post #2 of the challenge:
Re-upload a post you wish more people had read and explain why it was important to you.
I think I am PMSing a tad..but i have to tell you that everything has been tearing me up. I watch a movie...I cry. I hear a song...I cry. I read a card...tears.
Mr. Insatiable tells me it's because i love everything. I try to find happiness in everything I do and everything that I see but sometimes my happiness and wishing everyone around me were happy consumes me and it makes me an emotional basket case...
so be it.
I am seizing this as a great opportunity to get the emotional baggage off my shoulder and be prepared to take on the commitment I made to myself to get back on track with my eating, living and laughing. Wanting to dance, laugh and smile whenever possible.
So, here it is...the soundtrack that I will be living to.
See that.. right over there...ya the MY PLAYLIST..yup!
What are your life's theme songs? Share them with me, I always love adding new tunes - maybe they will help get my ass in gear!
Failure is not an option.
Rest assure that self-doubt is a common thought that lingers in the back of my head daily...but then I think about how I am not the only one trying to make it through each day.
I have no idea on how to ensure that I make the right choices in my life. Always two steps forward and three steps behind; furiously treading water while feeling like I am about to sink. There isn't one fibre of my being that doesn't think that I have a good life or a happy household, as as far as millionaires go I would be one of the ones sitting at the top; however, as far as feeling as if I were walking on quick sand - I fear that I will always have this on my conscience.
There have been many thought fill my head lately that keep me with focus on more than need be; but when I try to pinpoint what it is exactly that keeps me hedging I have no idea. This can only mean that November is coming soon.
November, when the days are longer; duller; darker. November when the days feel like weeks and weeks feel like but a moment. The feeling almost embraces me now, but I know that there are more things to consider before having to deal with November.
September brings on a new season; but it still keeps my mind refreshed and ready for each day. But knowing that November is around the corner and that hollow feeling of it is close by is sending me into an emotionally needy frenzy. Oh, how I wish that I could just wake up and feel as if every worry thought and notion was gone. Any feeling of doubt that each day will not end with relief...as if waking up from the best sleep you have ever enjoyed...With a new year ahead of us and a desire to renew myself I am sure that it will pass bye without too much pain.
*sigh* it's whats keeping me up at night - what makes me wake out of a deep and harmonious sleep...what makes me shiver at the very thought...of November
I have been refreshed and relaxed and it's time to talk some serious buz-nass. I am taking a toll...For all you "Mommies" I want to know what your favorite food to cook and prepare with the kids is. What dish do your kids crave? What is it that makes it so great?
Do your kids cook with you? How do you get them involved? Me, I know that our kids want to learn how to be sufficient in the kitchen. We teach them about the ingredients, ways you can use the items and about the tastes etc...
They love to try new things and aren't afraid to be adventurous and do the bold and exotic foods. From sea urchin to alligator they have tried it...Chef Insatiable and I encourage them to try things just once...then they can decide if they like it or not...but we always keep them involved.
We get ideas for each meal for the weekend and for their lunches, because guess what?! If they suggest it, they will eat it!!!
I have been reading and reading and reading and now after Chef and I talked about it, we want your input too?? Do you have any great recipes that we can try with the kids? Really, it would be great to try them..got any secret recipes? What is your best meal?
If you are able to help us, I will publish the recipes here for everyone to try and will share with you the details...
Aside from this fresh way of thinking, I am back on track for posting. Sorry, I feel that sometimes when my life gets too chaotic my blog is the one that suffers; however, it's almost been 1 year of blogging and I haven't quit...(and don't intend to). I am still here and trying to balance my life.
The stay-cation was great...we did pretty much nothing but lot's of things..farmer's markets, day trips, plays, shopping, parties and more. We relaxed, shared in quiet time and revelled in our family time....it was soo amazing.
I will be back in full swing tomorrow with a fun and sassy post for you as I have some great things to share...hope to hear from you all soon about your favorite recipes!