Sunday Morning Coffee..How to Have your Cake and Eat it Too

Good morning frackers!

Well I FIRST must start out by welcoming all my new friends, followers, stalkers! God this was pretty fricken cool to wake up this morning to see that I have 44 followers and have received more comments on one post than on 3 combined posts in the past. I really am finding merit in not being afraid to write what's on my mind (case in point my last post "do porn stars get yeast infections").

I was really worried about hitting publish with this one because although I am 100% being truthful I didn't know if those people who read it would understand where I was coming from! I'm 88% sarcastic & being serious &12% wanting a reaction! Anyfeck, I am really thankful and soooo happy!

Next item up for bids, Panty Pyramid, as some of you know, I have a 2nd blog with this title. I have been getting more people signing up bit not sending me their addresses and info; I am going to be sending out my next round but am sort of changing the concept.

As soon as I get info I am gonna send out panties ASAP when you receive them, I’ll send you your names! There are enough names to cycle through a few times and I just want to increase your panty wardrobe.

Also, for those of you who do follow that blog, and haven’t sent me your information PLEASE SENDS IT!!! I am currently waiting to hear from the recipients of the latest wave to be informed of when/if shipping has taken place...there is no rush, but I would like to at least know that everyone is still on board.

If you are interested in joining or want to learn more, leave me a comment and well chat it up until you have new skivvies!!!

3rd topic today is I would really love to learn about all of your shiz! Like who are you? What makes you tick, are you in the momma-hood? Are you addicted to blogging? Caffeine? Hank Mooney? Do you fuck punch? (For those of you self admitted lovers of Californication) Tell em your secrets and ill make fun of you! No I won't at all; I just want to be able to read your comment and know who's writing to me ya know?

Now here comes the sass and frass you were lookin for! How to have your cake and eat it too!

Dear friends, I have found it, the fucking Cadbury secret of life! Remember when I wrote here about how do you do it all? How do you rationalize being a mom, writer? Blogger???? Yah so I had my "fuckin right doggy!" moment last night with Mr. Insatiable... (3 times lol). We were talking though, and he actually was listening to me! I have asked him about my blog before and yes, he does read it daily... (But never comments on them directly). He has said that I do write a mean blog and that he likes the idea that I do this. Since hearing these words of encouragement and him basically telling me and everyone I should write the next Best Seller and should be on Oprah's best blog club, I realized that involving him in this adventure, (leaving it completely about me) has really opened up my mind and also it feels like I am less paranoid.

I think that I was totally being a pussy because I felt like he didn’t know what I was writing or that he didn’t appreciate it – I am totally wrong...he was just giving me space to be do this and to be me! GOD DANG IT! I wasn’t sure of what I was feeling until now.


...for no reason because what am I hiding? NOTHING....clearly if you have read any of my last posts over the past month.  What was I worried about?  I needed to clear my head and just get over myself.


...clearly because I wasn’t sure if I was good enough. I wasn't sure if I could do this blog thing and have people read it...I didn't realize that I could come to be friends and care about people that I had never met before, but continually become entwined in thier lives through their words...but I can!  I am good enough!

I am sort of retentive when it comes to success, and I really want to be a writer (I think). I love being able to interact and be free and still be crazy at the same time. I needed a hobby or an outlet where I could find out who I am and rather than taking a mirror to inspect my vag, I decided to blog! Good choice I think!

In any event, I love today, I feel great, and Mr. Insatiable has really cured my fear...maybe it was him being supportive and asking questions, or maybe it was my head getting knocked off of our headboard last night. Whatever the reason, I actually feel really great and not full of fear! This is how I have my low-cal cake and eat it too!!!!!

Sunday Coffee with you all is lookin like Girl Talk, but this is how it is today and I needed it! Keep comin back, keep commenting, and keep posting such great friggen posts!!!

Stay tuned for Make Out with Blogs Monday where I whore myself out with a whole lotta bitchin blogs!! This week I have found about 30 great ones that I am now subscribing to!!!

Thanks again for the cuppa joe and I'll gab with ya later!

Do Porn Stars Get Yeast Infections

What the shiz folks?

So, while I am sitting here with a loaf of wonder bread in the easy bake oven from all the friggen prescriptions and the 1-ply TP that was in the hospital I start to wonder...


****insert disclaimer here so, for all of those persons who work and love the adult entertainment industry; please do not take offense to my post but please educate me. I am not wanting to offend anyone with my post, and I fully support a healthy sexual curiosity I just personally can’t handle the “in your face” or well..your face of it all... ****

I mean, I am not a huge or even a small porn I have never watched an entire whole film...maybe sad but it’s not something that floats my are far better ways to excite this gal (thank you Mr. Insatiable). Anyhow, enough about that stuff..., so I am sitting here and hating being a woman for yet another reason and have the show Californication know with David (recovering sex addict) Duchovney...ya that hot ass (MRS FATASS...I had to borrow it..) I think I am actually starting to have a celebrity crush on Hank...I mean really...who wouldn’t? He’s mildly sexy, a writer, free-spirit that has that something...

It got me thinking... they have a bagillion things shoved, rammed, inserted and thrust into all their lady places and yet, they always look so pink, fresh and beautiful. But, do you ever sit there and watch the deleted scenes or bloopers of the films where Luscious Tina’s twat is burning like a ring of fire? Maybe you will see a blooper of Man Whore “Lex” being muffled (sorry, I couldn’t pass that up) while singing that amazing Johnny Cash tune...”and it burns burns burns...”lol. NO! You don’t though! dumb question time “Do porno’s have blooper reels and deleted scenes like real featured films?” see..I don’t know this stuff..I am slowly starting to feel pathetic now, but again, it’s not something that my boat floats for.

I know that these films are fantasy and in fantasy land women don’t burp, shit, fart or have any bacterial cultures elsewhere than in their DANONE ( <---not me) pro-biotic. But women tend to need a dose of reality to human error. It’s our nature to find the flawed thread or to cling onto our insecurities and realize that we may not be perfect but love these women have these issues or are they blinded from the last shot in the eye? Is it the money?...well maybe that has a lot to do with it, but like I love my job a lot..and I hear and would hope that these performers love their jobs too! I just don’t know how they have the balls to do it!

Do these actresses feel the same woes as us normal women? Like really? Are you fucking human – because most of the evidence that is “on film” so kinda reality points to the fact that you all are a bunch of androids who can take it like Mr. Duggar gives it (...please read this to understand)!!

I am incredibly jealous of you android starlet’s for your curiosity and willingness to take one (or two) for the team! I applaud you all for your acting skills and making Candy walking into the Copy Store like a real life encounter...but again, are you human?

Do you ever have hairy legs that are to the point of a winter coat? Do you let your armpit hair reach a length that is disastrous and then put a T-shirt on and forget mid day that you happen to have 3 secret garden’s growing?? Have you ever felt like your vag wasn’t a weapon rather than an abyss and something that is nothing close to attractive, hot or powerful?

Porn starlets, do you have make-up artists?
While I have watched only 1 film – and again I swear this is true... my husband has seen more. He does own some too – no shame there again hunny is healthy, happy and aware (and satisfies his woman right) but I see that in each of the covers of his Highlight Reel that there are some amazingly manicured muffs out there!! I want to know, is it kept and treated like a thouroughbread is spray painted for a show? Do you have airbrush tech’s that keep your pinks pink and red’s red? How is it always sooo pretty? Maybe it’s all the lube....

Again, after all that junk goes in, out, up, down do you not chaff? Do you ever have those days where you ask yourself “If I ever have another DP it won’t be too soon!” or “I wish I didn’t have to suck another baseball bat sized hammer again...really...I’m better than that!”

These are things that I don’t think occur. I mean, call me naive, call me a prude – but...are porn stars real?

Sorry friends...i know that i am usually not on the risqué side of topics, nor do I share my bodily functions with you so matter-of-factly but Questions Need Answers friends and I’m lookin to you all to help me!

you may be asking how much perscription meds she is on with this one....

Of all the random...posts that I could have follow up WTF Wednesdays...I tell ya it's gonna be a doosy! I am so sorry that I haven't prepared a whole lotta class and sass for you but I have had a gash of a day! The dood stayed home today with me, because he smells great, cuddles and snuggles with mommy...well...apparently not on fucking Thursdays!


Thursdays are the day that he likes to take his diaper off and smear it over the toilet seat. They are the days that he likes to water the plants with milk and also not take a nap! It was like, TOTALLY, awesome! (said in my worst sarcastic valley girl voice).

I also had a day where I had many looming thoughs in my head..thoughts of worry, sorrow and just a little blah! No, my bitch ain`t comin and I am past post and pre m.s...but I think that being home for these few days has really done it on me...I had my notepad open all day and aside from finding some great blogs to share with you all on Monday, I also had some deep thoughts...

I realized that in this junction of in time my life is extreemly reality based. there is no try, there is only do and do not....where do we find the exception?

when does my time begin so I can Shine?

I thought that turning 30 was going to be that know, when you are at the theatre and the lights are dim and the show is going to start...that silence before the majestic? i wanted to have a moment similar to when Chicago starts...a black stage, then the spotlight on that, staturesque, poised, elegant...yet...real. I want the spotlight to slowly turn into a bright fade of great music, elements, textures of a dawning of a new Diva! (yes, i may have my jazz hands out right now..but it's only for the dramatic effect)

wow wouldn't that have been great?

truth be told there is rarely glamour in my life...rarely the moments of uber sexy-ness and glam; however, there should be! I am not asking to be dripping in diamonds and fur (cuz I would rather be more Marylin than Jackie but, it would be great to dress well daily. To feel that amazing sensation when I look smokin, he tells me...oh boy does he tell me. you see, the hubs is a very sexual being (honey, i hope you are okay with me exposing this becuase i have not asked you..but you are...and well..i'm not ashamed of that...) anyhow, he is. He is a boob man, an ass man (he should be because I have some ba-dunk-a-dunk-in-ma'-trunk) and if he feels it, he will walk by and smak my bootie or give me a glance with his amazing eyes and lick his lips..ok, so it's not meant to turn you all on, but really...he's just like that and I am soo lucky. he loves me and my curves' curves and tells me. he tells me these things, and yet..I feel like I am this woman in jogging pants, t-shirts with frazzled hair, no makeup who may or may not have caked on dried cookie on my pants, likely has a hand print on her ass from cleaning up something/one OR her son had just hugged her with hands full of chocolate pudding. I feel like the days when i am at home and make it into a bra are days that i should buy a lotto ticket because next to the 2nd coming of christ, its a rare occasion...(now, this is a side note to bras, I love them, but have not the want to put one on at 5 am when the kids get me up or at 11 am when I want to have a nap..) i mean, i know it seems like this cindarella has her glass slippers, ball gown and pumpkin; however, this is not so all the time. My days consist of looking and feeling like a disshevvled school marm, deffinately lacking in the crackin' if ya know what I mean. I literally have to psych myself up to get all gussied up with makeup and a freshly coiffed coif.

well..regardless, I want to enjoy my life so different from these feelings. I am madly in love with my husband. I absolutely adore my children and we are making it! We do fun things, talk a lot, spend time together and really...what am I missing? Sadly, I am missing me.

i mean what makes you want to live a life without passion? how could we not? HELLO!!! Passion is HOT!

a day in the life of the wife, mother, friend, lover.....fuck it..
welcome to the mommahood!

my day consists of actions...many many actions that are inconsequential. actions that get trivial pieces of the puzzle put together. actions that keep me continually exhausted, hopped up on caffein and adrenalyn. the endless days and nights that lead into days. There are many actions that mold my children's lives, moments that hold on to my dreams and let my thoughts get carried away. My actions feel as if they are so important though. I have seen for myself what happens when all of my actions are removed from a day and hunny that shit is apparent! my actions do matter; however, these are actions that wear away at my passion.  It dimishes my ability to focus on my marriage, my husband, ideas of love, lust and dreams....

i need to have a passion for myself.

does that shit even sound normal? where are these thoughts coming from today? i am going to try to lust a non dirty way! I know that it's in me. i've seeen it, felt it and enjoyed it all maybe it's just the dull months, maybe it's just the days where i feel low..who knows

all i know is that this Bitch is gonna tear it up and douse these blahs with some.........

Fuck, I still can't drink alcohol...

what the hell am i going to douse with???


water? no...too boring

tea? no...i'm not English

I got it..I have some Fruitopia - Passion Fruit Awareness...Fuckin' right doggy...that's what'll be! Que sira sira right?!

Heres to it...lusting myself!!! Go on...cheers me!!!

have a great night frackers!!! thanks for listening!


And for all y'all who liked WTF it meme tag for it, if you like the idea, then deffinately grab the tag and place it on your blog...let me know you are taking it, so if I don't follow you, i can and watch and see WTF is up with you're Wednesdays!!!

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 I know its an organized week for our little love fest here bloggie world; however, it really has inspired me to write a lot more and be consistant...rather than having 30 little notes here and there trying to piece them all together....


have a great Friday and I'll talk with ya soon!!!!

WTF Wednesdays

Holy Feck!

ok so today I have decided to make each day mean something here at Monday's Im gonna Make Out with Blogs's really raunchy how much of a blog whore I could be; however, there are SOOOO many great blogs and it's now a fixation.  Tuesdays are Gratitude with Attitude because why the fuck not? and Wednesdays are Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Wednesdays....why you ask???

why is she compelled to eat Meatloaf every Thursday and Drink Red Wine on Fridays? Because I can...that's why!

anyhow, so for the first edition of What the Fuck I have to tell you about this true story...

I recently had surgery (tonsilectomy = no more lady balls), I now have no voice (well it's there but really it's friggen brutal and I do sound different - did you catch my vlog yesterday???)  anyhow, so with this limited voice I can't really talk loud or very clear. Today, I go to get a tea and a bagel because I have to eat something or my husband will wake up without a i go to my local salvation (Tim Hortons) drive through and get to the microphone thing. 

Them: May I help you
Me (while sounding like I am under water): May I please have an extra large tea, bag in double double with milk?
Them: what?
Me: could I just order up at the window?
Them: No. what do you want?
Me: I'll tell you what I want you fucking douche canoe, I want a fucking tea and a bagel but I can't talk because my lady balls were ripped out of my throat days ago and I am in mourning. May I get a large tea, 2 milk 2 sugar?
Them: ya, anything else?
Me: a plain bagel, toasted with butter please.
Them: Sure
Me: thank you...

end of the encounter?  no!  dare I tell you what was next? yes!

i get to the window and the douche captain says, that will be $3.05 please...I hand him $4.05 in change and he hands me a penny.

ya, so I look at him and said "oh, there was a tip in quarters for you, as a should have looked at it first"
Douche Captain: "oh you're a deaf person....sorry. (then laughs) oh shit, you can't even hear me!"


what the funk was that shiz?  I mean really, we just interacted, i talked to you, i repeated what you wanted me to when I ordered...ya, I'm a deaf person, and guess what fucker, you are getting fired!  I was sooo pissed off, that I parked my car, went into the store and talked to the manager.  I really was offended for all sorts of reasons.

1. this fucker thinks that he can just talk like that to people?
2. would it have been funny if I were deaf?
3. what if I were deaf? What were you going to do about it?

all I can say is this:

anyhow in all things positive, i think he got the fucking clue when his boss came over and i was to get an apology...ya, he did and did I take it like an adult and accept it?
you be your asses I didn't...

this is what he got

well..not really but I did give him the finger and walked out...
if it were a choose your own adventure book i would have 3 endings for you ...

Ending #1 - the junk punch shot...classic and sooo worth it
Ending #2 - the one where I go bat-shit-crazy and ninja skillz him
Ending #3 - when I take a jelly filled doughnut and squeeze it in his face and lick off the jelly...

ok, no that is just grosse but What the Funk!

Do you have any WTF stories?  I would totally love to hear them....leave them in a comment for me!


Thank Gawd for these Blogs!

It's not every day when you find yourself wanted to spend  3 hours making a banner for your blog just to tell other people how great they really are; however, I am having that kind of day!!!  Today I have done nothing much of anything really; however, I feel compelled to share some Link Love with you all.  As I have been reading a ton of new blogs I really want to tell each of their writers just how amazing they are...So I think that Monday's will be now dubbed Make-Out with other Blogs' Day...god am I that kind of blogging whore?? ....well..apparently.

Anyhow, so in typical blogging fashion, I have been told that an award is like a chain letter...well I am not down with the whole make people do something because I did something or something...I just really wanted to share with you all some really great writers and show my appreciation to these people!

Without further procrastination:

You all know her as Ex Hot Girl; however, I really have come to know her as an inspiration to my writing and also for motiviating my ass to do things that I would never of had the balls to do.  Jen, I don't know you, I have never heard your voice (aside from your vlogs) but I know you are the most amazing person around and I thank you for everything you have done.  I know you may think it's not much either, I mean, you have read my blogs, joined in the panty pyramid and have commented - but through your blog and your journey I have actually become a different person, more like the chica I know I, not a Latina chica but a chica full of sassifrass.  You have helped me fine tune my voice and have boosted and pumped my blogs a few times...big ups for you!!  Anyhooo I love you and you are amazing!!!  Thank Gawd!!! I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!!!

I know her as the Goddess of Todd "Hot Nutz" Epstein; you may know her as A Day in the Wife...mutually respected, Julie is the most bad ass writer I have met.  Not only can she make the word Vagina into an acronym for virgins, she also has a flair for getting to the heart of the matter...I love every Friday for the Whoreticulture Fridays where she exposes true issues and quandries...I love that on any given day, she can give you a monicer that will make you laugh until you shard yourself.  Not only that, she is also a great friend...another invisible person in my life - one I have never met or talked to but wished to god that I had a framed picture of Todd beside Jackie Daniels the lamp. (OMG Please can you take a picture of him and email it to me?) .....(intermission while I giggle uncontrollably and cry in pain because I shouldn't giggle)...ok...anyhow, Julie you make my keigle exercises easier because I do them daily with your posts (ok, not in a creepy way, every time you laugh you's a natural thing that just happens...sheesh...ya bunch of wild banchees!  Julie, I THANK GAWD!!! I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!

The Barefoot Foodie..sounds yummie huh?  Well she only serves up a cup of SHUT THE F*CK UP and a side of "she's friggen hilarious!!"  In one of her recent posts why if High School didn't ruin your life, you did it wrong, I literally fell over because the laughing wouldnt stop.  I snorted, giggled, laughed out loud and then almost peed.  I really hope you all go over there and say what's up!  Barefoot Foodie..I LOVE YOUR BLOG! Thank Gawd!!

I have also just come across Everyday It's Something and I really enjoy her posts!  The funny thing is that she really is a great writer; someone that I think I would like my own style to emulate or whatever the word...but then I look at my own writing, and it's not nearly as refined...polished...freshly, my writing is like Courtney Love's chipped nail polish and Everyday it's Something is like a new Manicure on a models' hands.  Girl you are funny and I still can't believe that Crest are a bunch of Coffee-Drinking-Nicotine-Infested-Ass-Monkies!!  Anyhow, THANK GAWD I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!

I hope you all have enjoyed my little love for you all and please check out each of these sites and let them know where you heard about them!  Have a great Monday and I'm sure I'll talk with you all soon.

Thanks again everyone for being so amazing!

Dear Ann Landers, eat your heart out!

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.- Ann Landers

So I read this quote and know...its sooo true!

We as writers, bloggers, humans we all over analyse ourselves. We all have those days, moments, posts where we are I worth it?  Am I really someone that should be writing? I know continually I am faced with that plaguing feeling of failure. I also know that throughout my life, there have been many upsets and let-downs (and I’m not just talking about breast milk). I have endured enough sacrifice, pain and embarrassment to ensure that my children shouldn't have to.  It is these experiences, that have shaped me for who and I am today.  After all of this though, I have yet to really know myself ...and, well...that's just what this journey of blogging is all about. 

I really wanted to share this piece with you all because I have been reading so many of your posts that are asking these same I good enough? Am I strong enough? Is anyone reading my blog? Am I funny enough? Before I hit Publish Post, I always have that fear in my tummy. The same fear that I had handing out invites to a party, or asking someone out...and you know what? I really need to wrap my head around this thing.

As a writer, we are only as good as our last post. Someone told me that, and I was like, really?? Well I only got 3 comments and one was from my mom...what does that make me? I then started to analyse this more and have come to terms with it. We are only as good as our last post - BECAUSE WITH EVERY NEW ONE WE GET A CHANCE TO REINVENT OURSELVES! Fuck ya!! How cool is it that no matter what, we can always reinvent ourselves. It’s like having a facelift, without the surgery. Like Botox without the awkward stage...and what's even better is that you can smile and everyone knows you are smiling!

I think that going out with a she-bang each post is something to really try to do. If we let it all hang out, then we are keeping to our true form. If we offer a real experience, and add our own personal seasoning of sarcasm and wit, then that is a true life experience. There are many reasons why I read the blogs I do as religiously as I do, and it's because of these things. Each one of these writers has really such a great way of expression. They have their voice. What they also do is stay true to their passions, be it weight loss, eating right, working-out, being sarcastic, making people laugh or riding their bicycle. No matter the content, it's always true.

I know it's not easy finding our voice, I too am still searching, modifying and refining; however, I do know that the one thing that will always make your voice "your own" is by staying true to yourself. I am always looking at ways to improve my writing skills, my readership, my audience and more but I do know that if I stick with it, and keep having such wonderful friends here as I have met on this crazy adventure, I'll be just as good as Ann Landers' Dog if not better!
Have a great Sunday Friends!!

Sunday Morning Coffee

Good morning everyone, I hope you all have had your caffeine fix already; however, if you are just settling into your first pot, then I hope you enjoy it!!

Sunday does happen to be one of my favorite days of the if you have been reading I have discussed..I love it because it's a family day through and through.  We all wake up, usually in my double bed (3 kids, the cat and McHubby and I) and will start our day with the daily caffein injection and a movie!  Today's movie was, I love this movie and haven't seen it for over 20 years and McHubby hasn't seen it ever (so he claims) anyhow, we enjoyed our movie date with the kids are are about to settle into the remainder of the day! 

I think we will be taking the kids outside to run off  the energy from the past week.  I had tried to install hampster wheels in their rooms but someone over at the CCS said it was frowned upon (again the government trying to control all things parental).  Last year I had applied to have a rubber room but then was shot down because I was told that mommy and daddy couldn't lock ourselves in there when we wanted to be away..and that this was something that was negative as it was just avoiding the problem children rather than facing the issues at hand...again, I scoffed!  They just wanted to ruin all my fun!

I have also tried to humanize myself today.  I woke up, showered, brushed the teeth and went to the store.  I happened across several specimins of Saturday night was sooo fun but who the hell is this guy/gal beside me!  I really love seeing this in action..when you are married a lot of things become clear to you. 

1. when you see a couple who is just together for the booty smack down...ya, you know those couples...she is on her cell phone texting her next romp while he is trying to put two words together because he was SOOO WASTED DUDE!  my thought is, why even bother..if it is a bootie call, then isn`t it just that!!  When did breakfast get put into the deal...hmmmm...maybe this is why i was never one for the bootie call.

2. the couples who hook up the night before, and dont know who this stranger is...I love this one because I almost want to go over  in introduce myself as the poor bastards girlfriend or something..I mean not to cause damage but poking fun is great!!  I love seeing these couples eating their bagels and downing coffee while looking at everything on the walls and in their sight of vision because they have nothing to say...and then when they have spent 20 minutes (to fill the `was i polite enough`time) they leave with an awkward handshake, kiss on the cheek or a weird bump of a hug..I literally witnessed this twice today!!! 

3.  The genuine couples who always get smashed on Saturdays are great to see also...there is a group of 20somthings who must get loaded every Saturday, becuase on Sunday morning I always see them together at the local bagel bakery.  They all have their gap scarves, hats and iphones in tote along with the ladies having their coach clutches (this is not to diss coach, as i too have a clutch, but I dont have one in every colour to match my other accessories and I did not buy my amazing mother-in-law did for me!! Yes, she has exquisite taste)  anyhow, so the 4-some of 20somethings had their hats and scarfs on, guys dressed like the modern metrosexual and all of them looking like the 3 bottles of wine and the case of beer was a milestone in their lives...they are the most natural looking of the sights i saw today...they all had conversation, laughed out loud and giggled and snorted their nosh and really did look like they were having a great time! 

I have to wonder though, is this what friendship is now a days  is this what it has become...lets get smashed and go out for breaky in the am!!  Hm....maybe i need new friends, or maybe just a good night of drinking...i dont think i could do this  though.  I think that i am all about the low key, casual nights with our friends where all we do is laugh our asses pretenses no judgement...just fun....(sigh) those where the days!!!

anyhow, the dood has just passed out on me and I think I am going to try to eat something more than a popcicle...have a great sunday and if you are stopping in from the Lady Bloggers Tea Party, have a seat, enjoy your tea but leave me your thoughts and let me know a little about yourself!!

on the road to recovery

So it's just the 3rd day since my lady balls have been ripped out of my throat and I thought I was feeling good...until today!  I woke up and was in tears with this unbearable ache in my throat.  I know that this is going to be painful, but really, this bad?   I am not a suck (well, too much of one) but I haven't felt like this in sooo long.  I mean, child birth wasn't like this type of wasn't fun either; but it's my talking, swallowing, chewing food, anything..laughing, talking, all blows! Thank god for the perks the doctor prescribed! 

3 days without really being coherrant, or without the use of my voice has taken it's toll on me.  I may have made up an imaginary friend Gretta.  Gretta is who I found myself talking to when I came to after the anesthetic on Wednesday, and apparently we were chatting for a good hour.  (This is also when the nurses were pumping me full of morphine).  In any event, I don't have that many friends, so how could I turn Gretta the Morphine addict away?  I mean, it's just not right to do that...Anyow, so Gretta and I have been talking for a few days now, and she really seems to be a nice gal.  She does have her issues...for sure, like, she always wants to sleep and doesn't want to be near anyone; however, she is coming around.  I also asked her about being a workout buddy; however, her answer was...we're too sick.  We can't do that now!  I think that Gretta needs a Chick Norris Bitch Slap!

I hope to be able to tackle the next day and a half as I am going to be home with the kids by myself.  I know that they are all really trying to behave and not make me talk or raise my voice...but I gotta tell ya, not even bribing them with McDonalds tonight could help!  Where is my WIFE when I need her....These kids are completely hyper and have too much energy!  Damn  I feel really bad though..I mean, how am I to hope that my kids will understand that mommy just can't talk...mommy can't raise her voice... They all understand that mommy is sick and her throat is sore, but then Bella asks me the same question about armpits 50 times in a row, and gets mad at me because I dont' answer her....Im sure it'll pass soon has to right?  All I know is that when I feel better, I have to make it up to the 3 amigos because they really have tried to make me giggle, given me hugs and snuggels when I have asked for them (and trust me, when I am under the weather, i ask for them a lot) and they have tried to all take care of me.

I have also been catchin up on some posts that I hadn't read in a while, and found myself creeping on all the blogs listed in the Lady Bloggers Roll and on SITS...again, if you haven't checked either of these sites out yet, you totally should.  I have found a whole whack load of great blogs to add to the collection!  I have also  had more visits on my blog and these people who visit, are SOOOOSUPERFRIGGEN NICE!!!  So thank you all you new readers, friends from SITS and LB's ...please continue to read and I hope you all have a great Saturday!!

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!!  Drop me a line and tell me what you are doing; drop me a joke, or give me something to rant about!!! What is chappin your behinds lately?  These are things that I would like to know!!!


Throat Balls WTF!!??

and on the last day they ate...

For tonight Hey-Zeus and her family sat down to enjoy the Canadian Men's Olympic Hockey Game all together and happy. It was really a lovely site to see and as it does not occur occasionally, I have to admit I closed my eyes, lay my head back and just enjoyed.

I am however having some serious issues today folks. Now, I have mentioned it before; however, I am having my tonsils taken out tomorrow. I am 30 years old and will be sitting in a recovery room with 5 year olds enjoying popsicles and pain killers. Now, I have had surgery before (the baby factory hath been closed down and I had to have another medical procedure on the internal girlie bits last year) but I haven't had something like this before. I dont know what's tripping me it the fact that they have to knock me out and pry my mouth open? Is it because I really don't want to wake up and feel my throat on fire? Perhaps...however, I was thinking in my Twilight Day Dream of the day that perhaps getting my tonsils out will feel like just being transformed into a you remember in the book where Edward explains it more like a burning sensation???? Well someone today told me that after you get your tonsils out your throat burns...

hmmmm....Julie (DITW), Marilee (HicksMix) what do you twi-hards think??? Could we re-write the passage? lol there are some of the reasons - but I think them to be the obvious ones. I am also a little freaked out that I am going to be in a room full of strangers knocked out and I will not remember/know anything...really folks what goes on in these huge steel rooms with more toys than in Elvira's closet?

I have to admit that I am a little psyched for the liquid diet; I know this will force me to consume my weight in water daily and enjoy nothing but the rewards of not eating the bad stuff. I know that it's not something that I should bank on, or even be excited for, but I am an optimist and this is the silver lining!

I would also like to share with you all a little poem that was written for me by my friend Diver. The background to this poem is that my co-workers said that me getting my tonsils out is my "neutering" and that my "lady balls" are going...ok, so totally funny right??? Anyhow, so this is the poem that Diver has written. (Oh, and FYI she is new to blogging and has started 2 of her own recently. The first is Douche Cartel - an unveiling of all the real ass clams that live in this world that we encounter and the second is Fucktardation for the Nation - an in-depth discovery of all those people out there that make you scream Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!! Please go read her sarcastic and often witty posts (and please don't take offence because I know you all have thought these things before; however, if you or someone you know appears in some of the images, then I may have to question our friendship) JK.. oh ya..the poem...

Dearest Danon the day has come it's almost near

to say goodbye to your mouth balls my dear

Gobby pussy balls that hang near the throat

kind of like testicles it's important to note

say goodbye and so long to your sexy rasping tone

and remember your gag reflex works when hubby tosses you a bone(r)

Oh Danon your neck balls will... be swimming in a bowl

I hope your recovery is swift, don't worry there's a poll

Vodka freezies, margaritas daiquiris and more

for we know this is the medicine you'll choose to ease the sore

3 weeks you'll be in a drunken stupor no pain

Try not to come back with a broken leg and a cane

Enjoy one more night with your mouth balls in tact

They will be long gone tomorrow and that is a fact

Good luck dear Danon, and goodbye to your balls

In 3 weeks time you'll be ready for calls! YOUNG LADY!

So the funny thing about this is that the young lady will be explained in my Gratitude with Attitude part 2 (a second post for you all tonight!!!)

Also, I am sorry but I didn't post yesterday's weigh in..So I have actually made progress... I started the 2nd mission at 183 lbs and after weighing myself at my mother's last night on her super high tech scale I was elated that I was sitting at 176 lbs. I know the PRE.M.S had something to do with at least 2-3 lbs so that is gone, and I know that eating right is the way to win 2/3 of this battle. Anyhow, super excited again and thank you all so much...

welcome welcome welcome new FOLLOWERS, it's a pleasure to meet you all! Please leave me a comment and tell me a bit about yourself.



Will You Be My Wife?

Here it is...plain and simple. I need a wife. I am not of the lesbian or bi persuasion (and all the power to you if you are); however, I feel that I am letting everything fall through the cracks as a wife and my husband really works hard...but still I cannot get everything done in 2 days off each week. So, I need a wife. Plain and simple.

She doesn't have to put out...I am really good at that, and will absolutely be able to take care of that department...and no hunny, she cannot join either...I'm not down with that! But, if she could take care of 1/2 of my responsibilities, then I would have more time to treat  YOU my husband the way you deserve...massages, dinner cooked for him when he comes home. Children's lunches ready the night before, and the house spotless!

She would be able to watch the kids, while I go to the laundry mat...cuz guess what, it's not fucking fun taking 3 kids to the laundry mat when you have 6+ loads to do each week! It's no fun because there are other people who come and go and let their kids run around and bump into's also no fucking fun to fold said loads of laundry while taking your bra off your sons head, and undoing the stockings that middle child has wrapped around the oldest ones neck because they are playing horse and carriage. I tell you it's absolutely no fucking fun to then load the 3 kids into the van, take all the loads of laundry and cart them into your wife, guess are also babysitting on Saturday mornings!

During your time on Saturday mornings it would be especially great if you could also prepare breakfast for the kids, because, before I gear up and do my chores, I would like to sleep past 6 am for one day each week. I know I sound selfish, but I think that as you are a wife, these are things that you should just do automatically because that is one of the joys of being a wife. Sorry to any of you out there who have the 50's mentality that this wife-job should be done in a pleated dress with a smile...cuz guess what...NOT THIS WIFE, NOT THIS DECADE!

In return, I will give you a day off to yourself!! This is a fair trade. Sundays are the day that I will resume all responsibilities for my family and you can go to get your nails done, hair done or whatever you need to do to be the respectable wife-but if you do go shopping, you should try to buy me something, because I would like to be pampered too! I will make you breakfast...a wonderful hearty and healthy breakfast. I will provide the laughter with the kids and my husband.... (Oh, you noticed that right???!! Well...back off! He is mine! I have put in 11 years with this man, and you do not get the privilege to call him your husband until he is in the dog house! Same goes for the kids...FYI)

Wife, I would also like to know if we could perhaps each have a mental health day....or a few hours. I keep hearing that locking ourselves into our closets to drink a bottle of wine is becoming more and more frowned upon... (Again those 50s house wives...WTF were they doing?!!?!) I really don't see the problem here, especially if you were could take time out for you and then I could do it too...

This could also be something that would eliminate emotional days. My husband may love this idea. Occasionally, I get over sensitive and over bearing. I tend to be irrational during these pre-m.s days and it would be great if you could be sensitive to my needs during this time. Oh, and while we are still focusing on me and my needs...PLEASE DON'T SYNC with me...this would totally defeat the purposes. I think that this one is going into the contract....if you sync with my cycle, then you will be fired because you will not be any good to me and I may stab you with my tweezers.

Wife, I could also interest you in this job, because you would be able to have whatever encounters with other men you choose...see there is the plus. Again, this is just to ensure that you stay the fuck away from my husband. I will tell you untrue things about him just so you really do stay away, but he will not know this.
Back to the wife!
So, in short, your duties are simple really....I just think that this may work out for both of us in the long run. What do you think??

Dear Husband,
I would like to have a wife. This would only be so I can make sure that everything is taken care of, and I can make sure that it's all done. I want to really try to make sure that when you get home, I am awake and can "pay attention" to your needs. I really want to have time in the day to do my make-up and hair so I look like a wife when you get home rather than looking like that strung-out caffeine addict that you usually see.

I think that this idea may be giving you the wrong impression. She would not be there for other "benefits" know how I feel about all of that. BUT having this wife would eliminate you from having to tiptoe around me from the 3-10th of each month. She will do that and you would be able to be you and still love me without wanting to rip my eyeballs out.

What do you think???

Oh, and payment....yes, how should we pay this wife??? I thought that we could give her one of the kids...but then I thought of the legality...and that would be insane for the court fees but perhaps you could cook her and I a nice wonderful meal each week and then we could pay her in booze. If we get her drunk first she'll sign the agreement and won’t know the difference.

Anyhow, let me know what your ideas are.

Love, your wife...the real one


Just a side note everyone...I have joined The Lady Bloggers and wanted to let you all know that this site is really fantastic!  Its a great way to meet new bloggers and also have a great variety of some pretty fantastic reads!  I have started to go through the entire list of them and really enjoy!  I'll be posting some of them and giving some love tomorrow; however I just wanted y'all to go NOW and check this out!  If you are looking for new blogs to read, or to have more ideas to help when you have bloggers block or just want some tips - CHECK them out!!!!
Lastly, I took this picture today of the kids...I really love my kids and wanted to share with you one of my favorite things....

(NOTE TO DAN: if you are reading this...I won't tell her anything I promise, I’m just playing writer...and I won’t marry a woman or ask you to deal with another woman, between me, the girls and your mom, I think you have your work cut out for you for the rest of your life xoxo).

La Jour d'amour!


There have been moments in my life when something so strong has pulled me in this direction.  I have never known exactly what it was until I met you... yes you!  There are so many things that I could say you have done for me, to me with me and still, I hear your voice and it makes my heart skip a beat.

We started out as friends many years ago..and I remember that first night when we stayed up talking on the stairs until you had to work the next day!!  I cherish these memories in my heart day after day.  I remember our first soft and perfect.  I remember the first time that you and I walked along the water, drinking champagne at the rocks...and the first time that we made love.

I know that there are many special times that you and I have in our hearts.  Please know that each and every day I do love you, will support you and am so lucky to have you in my life.

You are my best friend, confidant and the best father to our have given me the three most precious have given me strength when I needed it most and have always respected me for me.  There are many words that I could use to discribe my love for you, but just looking in my eyes, you know it's true.

Don't for once ever think that i don't love you.
Don't for once ever think that i won't be there for you;
I will remain always your

Happy Valentine's Day hunny, and thank you for these!!!! They are beautiful!

Man Down!!! WTF!??!


I am sooo happy today is here!  Today marks the end of my own personal hell being over.  I willnot have to make any more reservations for Valentine's day!!!!!!!!!  I couldn't be happier - well until this time next year!  I have to admit though, for all the stress and chaos, I remained successful and on top of my game for the most part...I was talked off the ledge (not really) by only a few people and I am still here to thank them for it!

On a different note, today gives me one more reason to be proud to be Canadian.  We are hosting the Olympics bitches!  I am sitting here watching the amazing display of culture, patriotism and pride.  I have seen so many amazing things that I had never seen.  Now, I grew up in a smaller town called Caledonia, which is right near the First Nations Reserve, and I certainly had been immersed in the Native Culture; however, I have been so impressed by each of the distinct differences in indiginour young people; attire; wardrobe and more...its so beautiful.

Anyhow, so as the Olympics give me reason to be proud, CTV a local television network that is airing 12-18 hours of the games daily aired some of the most obsured content I could have seen ever!  Right while they were waiting for the opening ceremonies to start they shoot to a bit from Much Music (you guessed it a Music network) that are filming on site...The clip is of 1/2 naked young girls in a hot tub with a VJ talking about drinking games, while 2 20 something dudes strip down into their gitch "drop your gear for beer" was being chanted then the cameras switch to a chalet where there are more 1/2 naked young girls doing body shots...  Now I don't know about y'all but WTF were they thinking??????  This is a time for athelets, countries and groups to be so proud that these games are still going since the early years and they air tarts being tarts??  Canada, where is your pride? 

The funniest or saddest part was when they cut back to CTV's broadcasters, their faces were more shocked than mine.  I can't imagine how many profanities were in their head!  The next thing that shot to my brain was..what about those 1/2 naked girls parents!!! Are they proud?! Did they see it??! Likely...who isn't watching the Olympics!  Wowzers.  That is all I can say...

Lastly, I would like to pay homage to El Buli.

I am not sure if you all know what this is; however, it's the worlds best restaurant (year over year for many years) in Roses, Spain.  The executive Chef Ferin Adria has headed this kitchen since 1983 when he took over the kitchen and changed it from a French Restaurant to the Gastronomic Lab that it is today.  Anyhow, so it has been announced and confirmed that this restuarnt will be closing indeffinately.

Now, I happen to know that reservations here are not happening - Especiallly for this Valentine's Day (if you were thinking about askiing) but, there are people who have waited YEARS to go here.  There are blogs about experiences here and there are dreams that I have about enjoying the incredible creations that escape from the kitchen...and now they are tarnished.  There aren't any more reservaitons, dreams or's a sad day in the culinary world

The silver lining is that they will open for this season June 15- December 11...anyone of you lucky ducks who have a reservation this year, you should buy a lotto ticket because you now have a horseshoe up your ying yang.  First, you obtained the most saught after reservation in the world and second you made it through to the end...if anyone has been there..could you tell me all about it?  If you are going, can you tell me about it...when, let's count down together...I would like to share in your excitement!

As for my food log I have kept things very simple each day.  I don't know how many calories I have eaten daily; however, I have had 5 bottles of water a day at work and also have enjoyed salad every day for lunch and dinner with my 4 oz of lean protein.  I have also started to have breakfast, either a 12-grain bagel with protein or I have made egg white scramble with 12 grain toast (1/2 peice).  I haven't totally abandonned carbs, but I have significantly reduced them to just in the morning. 

Now I have not been perfect, yesterday one of my colleagues, Princess Cupcake sent our office cupcakes and I have to tell you all that I ate one...everything but the last 2 oz of was Skor.  There were skor bites, creamcheesie icing and the cake part was vanilla cake that was scented like chocolate....holy fuckballs...I had to have a cigarette afterwards....(ok I didn't really but Lena said there were funny noises coming from my desk.) 

I have maintained working out 4 days this week and I feel good.  I am not seeing results but I know that it's about this itme that something starts to happen so perhaps something to report on Monday's weigh in...if not, next for sure.

Anyhow, I will talk with you soon...for my missing'll be missed, and I am sorry I could not give you what you needed.

Happy Friday
Have a drink!

Week 1 -

What's up peeps!?

I hope you all are doing swell.  Well I have literally zero time to post much tonight but I wanted to stay in line with what I had told weigh in today for 1 week of back to exercise; low carbs and TONS of water...
I knew that I shouldn't have any expectation on this one as I know it takes like a week to get your body burning what it needs to...but I have lost officially 1.4 lbs.  I am now 182.

Not bad, not great...but I am drinking average 5 bottles of water at work and doing the remainder at home. I also find that this little trick is helping.  Every time I fill my bottle up, I write a check on the calendar...this way I am keeping track each day and I feel like I have accomplished something.

Food wise, I am still learning...gosh there is soooo much stuff out there to read!  I did have an excellent Apple and Broccoli coleslaw with walnuts, celery and carrots in it that my mother-in-law made CAN I JUST TELL YOU IT ROCKED!!!!  What a great way to get your sweet tooth knocked outta your mouth?!

Anyhow, I am off to bed as I am sitting here with one eye dozing!!

Hope you all are great!


Welcome Back Kotter!

Long time no effing talkie friends!!!!
I have been in dispare for so long, and I can not tell you just how excited I am that I have the computer back!!! WOW Where do I start? I have tried to Molog (my new fantastic word for mobile-blog) and it doesn't work. I hate it actually.
I have spelling mistakes and as I am blind I can 't actually see them until today when I checked out my own blog and was in shock and disbelief! Anyhow, it feels great and I have about 300 posts to catch up on reading... so for all my fav's i'll get there...I hope you all are great though.
Anyhow, so as y'all know I am trying to lose weight as my main and primary goal. After my ass-bag of a doctor told me in not so many words " really, its great if you want to lose weight before your surgery"...ok, so I am a fat-ass. Not THE fat-ass, and please for anyone who is offended by the term please do not be, I am really just toally hard on myself and I want to improve my life quality and shed the LBs before my Seistor gets wedded.
I have been trying to learn about how to count calories, reduce carbs --- oh carbs how I miss thee...the biggest thing is just be conscious about the food i am shoving in my mouth. i am also starting ZUMBA on Saturday and I am continuing...well restarting the 30 Day Shred as I really liked how I felt when I did this every day for those 20 minutes.
I am at this weight where I am not happy. I have a mommy tummy that looks like an ass on my stomach, complete with hole (belly button). I just want to have confidence again in myself and feel like a sexy woman. I know that there are times I feel like it and I do also have to applaud myself because I do look pretty darn cute some times; however, I really want to feel this way all the time!!!
Ok, so if anyone has some good advise about how to learn this stuff asap I welcome it. Also I am toying with the idea of joining weight watchers. I have been reading Bitch Cakes and see that she is super duper fantastically sexy and in her 140s (sooo great btw - ps her latest post is pretty sexy too with her svelt self in her sexy under-roos!) and I also have some friends that have done this lifestlye change and really have learned a lot. But you guys, I have to tell you something....
I think I am afraid to meet people in this type of senario. Like I think I'll meet some great people and be inspired and learn a shit ton but my fear is like what happened to the nameless guy in FightClub (Ed Norton - really..he didn't have a name) when he ended up meeting BitchTit Bob and sobbing for hours...maybe its what I need a good sob but whatever, I am looking into impacting my life not just my appearance, so this may be a good start.
OK...i'll be sassy and whitty soon, I am actually at my mothers having dinner and doing laundry. I'll be back in a jiffer and I really can't tell you how great it feels to strecth my fingers and rant away!!!!
insatiable host!!

There's No Crying In Baseball

Whenever the pms fairy lands in my postal code there aren't mant things that don't start the water works. Perhaps I am an over-sensitive person because I just dhed a tear at the new mercedes benz commercial; and maybe jusy maybe it was a tad eccentric when I was cooking eggs today, when Lucas came up to me and said "I love you so much momma" that I wept for a few minutes. I really can't see a way to combat these emotional feelings. Work is SO busy and Dan's schedule is long. Perhaps everything just boils over each month and to cope I take it all in stride and the only way I maintain focus on everything that matters is by letting the stress escape from my eyes. Pardon the metaphore but like taking a lid off of the pot. I have been feeling this come about for 2 weeks. My dr called it when he tried to sugar(free) coat the blow of my weight with this excuse. He said "oh danon, its not so bad and plus your menstral cycle is soon know you always balloon up." Ya that's the luv from my doctor. Although true-fuck you! So anyhow, weepy-eyed me get in one of these fits of tears when 4o comes around the corner and screams "there's no crying in baseball MOMMY!!!!" Ok kids, you're moms a pussy! Deal with the hand you're dealt. On other notes, each day I have stuck like white on rice to eating right! I have consumed the following; Breakfast: Large coffee dbl dbl with milk 3/4 cup muslix w 1/2 cup skim milk Bottle of water Snack: 30 green seedless grapes Bottle water Lunch: Salad- 3 cups mesculin mix, 1/2 cucumber, 1/e med red bell pepper, red onion, 6 cherry tomatoes, 1/2 avacado and 3 oz chicken or salmon. Lemon juice dressing with 1/2 tblspn evoo and balsamic vinegar dressing. Bottle water Botle water Snack: apple or yogurt Dinner; salad with chicken/salmon again Bottle water I have felt full each day and because I literally love salad I don't see myself getting sick of it. I have also done jumping jax, running, skipping and leg lifts for my cardio and abs and arm/leg combos for 3 days! I effinv can't wa-t to get dans computer back! I am sorry for the lack of posts and reading your blogs! As it is my thumb is locked where it is bent and numb. Really it is! Anyhow I haven't weighed in but it'll be on monday. I don't know what to think. When I have the computer to watch the shred it will be better than trying to remember in my head. I'm not gonna lie I totally did that the other night. FAIL!!!! Ok I better get movin but hope everyone is great.

Reality Check

Today I was handed my slice of reality with a side of humility. I have a surgical procedure forthcoming and I had to get my pre-op done with the dr. This is when they weigh you, measure you, take ypur blood pressure (in my head I'm totally thinking belittle you; humiliate you and expose you in those horrible lights that department stores have). And while I know that I am the maker of my destiny I actually was under the delusion that dr's were to protect us, heal us and give us the perscription to make our lives better. Sadly if you too were under this impression .... We are DEAD wrong my friends. Well my reality check kicks into play when I weighed in. I have let my tight grip go of my work out schedule and I have faltered a bit with my eating over the last few weeks. I had no idea just how much I had let slide (down my fucking throat!) You guys... I am back to 183lbs and although I feel I am able to pull it off; there is no effing way I am just going to lwt this slide. I have just had the dose of reality that I need to kick me back into 5th gear. I am making a promise to you all that I will be strong again. I am not maaking excuses for what has happened but BUTT BUT BUT BUT I will say that after losing weight and feeling that high; to feeling the low I am feeling now????? Its not happening again. I have also been talking with a girlie at work who asked abous Zumba class and we will be joining for Monday evenings. For me, I have no clue what Zumba is, or if this is an acronym for something like zebras under my bed always (which would not have anything to do with working out) or if it was a great and fun way to work out and shed the LBs. Either way I am totally on board with this and also will be re-starting Jillians bitch-out (aka work-out) and will be taking the lead of my nightly reads BigBottomBlogger, Ex Hot Girl, JewliaGoulia, Skinnytitch and more. I am embracing the low carb life...just suck the carbs outta my life! I am going to learn how to count calories and also learn how many I need daily and then how to eat sensibly. I will also be using the forthcoming wedding of my favorite person in the world as more motivation as I will be standing up with them at the wedding (whenever the set the date). As this date is quite important, (duh) I want to really look great and feel great! We have decided upon these hot little red dresses that would suit Jessica Rabbit and at this stage of the game I look more like The Queen of Hearys rather than Jessica Rabbit. Perhaps feeling so low is just what the dr perscribed? Any suggestions? Ideas? Knowledge to share? Ps: Mondays will also be Mandatory weigh in Mondays and I will be adding one of those fun weight trackers to my page and also when I learn the basics of food counting I may fo a food journal and find my passion in cooking with better food for me! Thanks for being there guys! It totally helped me recover from the reaction I received from hubs.