Will You Be My Wife?

Here it is...plain and simple. I need a wife. I am not of the lesbian or bi persuasion (and all the power to you if you are); however, I feel that I am letting everything fall through the cracks as a wife and my husband really works hard...but still I cannot get everything done in 2 days off each week. So, I need a wife. Plain and simple.

She doesn't have to put out...I am really good at that, and will absolutely be able to take care of that department...and no hunny, she cannot join either...I'm not down with that! But, if she could take care of 1/2 of my responsibilities, then I would have more time to treat  YOU my husband the way you deserve...massages, dinner cooked for him when he comes home. Children's lunches ready the night before, and the house spotless!

She would be able to watch the kids, while I go to the laundry mat...cuz guess what, it's not fucking fun taking 3 kids to the laundry mat when you have 6+ loads to do each week! It's no fun because there are other people who come and go and let their kids run around and bump into things...it's also no fucking fun to fold said loads of laundry while taking your bra off your sons head, and undoing the stockings that middle child has wrapped around the oldest ones neck because they are playing horse and carriage. I tell you it's absolutely no fucking fun to then load the 3 kids into the van, take all the loads of laundry and cart them into your house...so wife, guess what...you are also babysitting on Saturday mornings!

During your time on Saturday mornings it would be especially great if you could also prepare breakfast for the kids, because, before I gear up and do my chores, I would like to sleep past 6 am for one day each week. I know I sound selfish, but I think that as you are a wife, these are things that you should just do automatically because that is one of the joys of being a wife. Sorry to any of you out there who have the 50's mentality that this wife-job should be done in a pleated dress with a smile...cuz guess what...NOT THIS WIFE, NOT THIS DECADE!

In return, I will give you a day off to yourself!! This is a fair trade. Sundays are the day that I will resume all responsibilities for my family and you can go to get your nails done, hair done or whatever you need to do to be the respectable wife-but if you do go shopping, you should try to buy me something, because I would like to be pampered too! I will make you breakfast...a wonderful hearty and healthy breakfast. I will provide the laughter with the kids and my husband.... (Oh, you noticed that right???!! Well...back off! He is mine! I have put in 11 years with this man, and you do not get the privilege to call him your husband until he is in the dog house! Same goes for the kids...FYI)

Wife, I would also like to know if we could perhaps each have a mental health day....or a few hours. I keep hearing that locking ourselves into our closets to drink a bottle of wine is becoming more and more frowned upon... (Again those 50s house wives...WTF were they doing?!!?!) I really don't see the problem here, especially if you were here....you could take time out for you and then I could do it too...

This could also be something that would eliminate emotional days. My husband may love this idea. Occasionally, I get over sensitive and over bearing. I tend to be irrational during these pre-m.s days and it would be great if you could be sensitive to my needs during this time. Oh, and while we are still focusing on me and my needs...PLEASE DON'T SYNC with me...this would totally defeat the purposes. I think that this one is going into the contract....if you sync with my cycle, then you will be fired because you will not be any good to me and I may stab you with my tweezers.

Wife, I could also interest you in this job, because you would be able to have whatever encounters with other men you choose...see there is the plus. Again, this is just to ensure that you stay the fuck away from my husband. I will tell you untrue things about him just so you really do stay away, but he will not know this.
Back to the wife!
So, in short, your duties are simple really....I just think that this may work out for both of us in the long run. What do you think??

Dear Husband,
I would like to have a wife. This would only be so I can make sure that everything is taken care of, and I can make sure that it's all done. I want to really try to make sure that when you get home, I am awake and can "pay attention" to your needs. I really want to have time in the day to do my make-up and hair so I look like a wife when you get home rather than looking like that strung-out caffeine addict that you usually see.

I think that this idea may be giving you the wrong impression. She would not be there for other "benefits"...you know how I feel about all of that. BUT having this wife would eliminate you from having to tiptoe around me from the 3-10th of each month. She will do that and you would be able to be you and still love me without wanting to rip my eyeballs out.

What do you think???

Oh, and payment....yes, how should we pay this wife??? I thought that we could give her one of the kids...but then I thought of the legality...and that would be insane for the court fees but perhaps you could cook her and I a nice wonderful meal each week and then we could pay her in booze. If we get her drunk first she'll sign the agreement and won’t know the difference.

Anyhow, let me know what your ideas are.

Love, your wife...the real one


Just a side note everyone...I have joined The Lady Bloggers and wanted to let you all know that this site is really fantastic!  Its a great way to meet new bloggers and also have a great variety of some pretty fantastic reads!  I have started to go through the entire list of them and really enjoy!  I'll be posting some of them and giving some love tomorrow; however I just wanted y'all to go NOW and check this out!  If you are looking for new blogs to read, or to have more ideas to help when you have bloggers block or just want some tips - CHECK them out!!!!
Lastly, I took this picture today of the kids...I really love my kids and wanted to share with you one of my favorite things....

(NOTE TO DAN: if you are reading this...I won't tell her anything I promise, I’m just playing writer...and I won’t marry a woman or ask you to deal with another woman, between me, the girls and your mom, I think you have your work cut out for you for the rest of your life xoxo).


Anonymous said...

Makes perfect sense to me. And I doubt it would be hard to find someone content to work for booze. I would. Except I can't be your wife because then I'd need to find two to run my house.

Douche Cartel said...

This would be the perfect SR no? Find me a wife....just saying YA KNOW?

JewliaGoulia said...

I would like to apply for the "wife" position!


BTW, Kiddos feet pic is freakin adorable!


Julie, The Wife said...

Wonder what the women in the 50's were doing? They were drinking triple martinis every day and smoking, which is why doctors started advising against drinking while pregnant. Oh, and the Valium...Mother's Little Helper!

I'll take a wife too - or at least a couple more husbands that are handy but don't have physical expectations. I'm busy enough there as it is. Good luck, let me know how it works out!

Jenny Brown said...

OMGosh...you're hilarious! You had me laughing thru your entire post.....you visited my blog a few days ago from lady bloggers, and I thought I'd check yours out too! You seem like a fun lady and I look forward to snooping around your blog! :):) Have a happy day!

Amanda said...

Ok I LOVE this idea. And I don't even have kids. It would help keep me from flying onto a rage everytime i work all day and then come home and fix him dinner and his ass stays on the couch. AHHHH!!!