How to get your Feet Laid

I don't know what it's called when you have a sincere dislike for something; like it totally creeps your creep...but because fetish can be good and bad this is the title for today's shenanigans.

I don't love feet.

I especially don't love ugly feet.

I don't really love pretty feet either, but it's better than fucking ugly feet

So far are we on the same page???? I am a pretty big observer.  I like to watch people and also reactions.  I am also big on making the biggest; grandest reaction possible as it will likely deflect attention to the hairdo that I have/size of my ass/ or fact that I haven't slept properly in 6 years...  I also can't hold my eyes away when they are drawn to a monstrosity like


Case in point.  I was walking today, as I do occasionally...not a leisure walk, but it was from the store back home.  I noticed these people were walking by me, and I sort of tend to be looking down so that I don't trip or kill myself.  Anyhow, so fugly 1 and fugly 2 were walking and I saw man feet that were amazingly taken care of.  I think I could see a glistening of the recent application of moisturizer.  Then I see heinous lady feet.  I wanted to ask if she had a problem with her vision...I mean, her toe nails were gnarly, there was dead skin by her nail beds and it was rank.  I got all of this from a 3.2 second walk-by. 

People with feet.

Please follow this as an example of what to do. 

1. Always exfoliate your feet.  They won't look like death and they will likely feel great.
2. Trim your toe nails please.  No one wants to see "Dumb and Dumber" feet.  NO ONE...not even you!
3. Please try to once in a while push your cuticles back...if you don't your nails will look horrible.
4. After you bathe, apply moisturizer.  Again showing your feet some love will make you like them more.


1. ALWAYS ensure you take the time to get a pedicure at least once every two months...if not once a month.  This is a great way to get away from your life, sip cocktails, and have someone paint your toes...they may not speak English and also may talk to their colleagues about how nasty your feet actually are, but they will smile at you and tell you how beautiful your feet look when they are done.
2. ALWAYS paint your nails.  Why wouldn't you?!  Men find it more appealing, you will likely love your tootsies more and will want to take care of them if they are pretty.
3. If you suffer from BAD SMELLING FEET (men and women) please don't think that people can't notice this.  They do.  You have smelly feet...and not all of you are Italian so, you have to own this.  Make sure that you are always washing your feet (this sounds like a given, but smelly foot vandals don't always do this).  Wash your shoes.  Carry talcum powder with can actually get a great smelling brand too...this will help for those moments when you are at a persons house and have to take your shoes off...please excuse yourself, use the rest room and tend to business.

NOTE***************  This does not mean stick your feet in their sink and wash your feet with their bar of soap*******That would be considered worse than your fucking smelly feet.

Lastly, show your tootsies some love...get a massage, ask your partner to massage them. If you put his ____ in your mouth or if he expects you to do it again, guess what....they can rub your fucking feet.  After all they will smell great, feel amazing and look hot!!!  He'll be ready to do more than rub your toes after this.

See...aren't these super cute???  Currently my toes are painted "What's New Pussy Cat" it's pinky red and I love makes my feet super cute and super sexy in heels.


dawn said...

Stopping by from SITS...

Okay- I have normal looking feet. Except for the cracks in my heels. I know I know... but I moisturize, I use the pumice stone, the ped egg, the foot exfoliator from AVON and MARY KAY... I take great care of my feet and they look great. As long as no one can see the bottoms of my heels.
So, no looking at the bottoms of my heels... look at my cute painted toe nails and sandals instead!
Oh- can't do the pedicure thing. I can't stand the pain I have to endure at the hands of people who don't speak english when they THINK they are massaging my legs/pushing back and/or trimming my cuticles.