When swallowing isn't so great...

Why am I so forgiving?

i don't understand why I am so forgiving...does it mean that I am a
weak person and let people walk over me, or does it mean I am
         strong for being able               
    to put it in the past...I don't think there is an answer..

There are many things that have occurred to me, around me etc and I have this inhumane capacity to tolerate bullshit
As we know life isn't easy and often people get hurt, hurt you or ending hurting others without realizing it.  I am here with scars on my soul so deep that you would think I am the most jaded person out there....but really I am not.  I just swallow my pride a lot.  Bite my tongue. 

Hold my cool.

Sometimes I wish that I could learn to stay mad or angry but I can't.   Call me a good person?  Maybe...I do make mistakes daily.  I am a bitch constantly...but one thing, I can't hold a grudge and stick it.  There have been many experiences in my life, where I have been so low - so hurt and so embarrassed, that you would think that I was done with it all...finished with all those people who made fun of me. Took me for a run,
stole or hurt me.  But, I am still here...and so are they.

Times where I have been so
humiliated and ashamed
to hold my head up.  I wonder what is in me that makes me still to this day, almost ignore all of the residual hurt and shame which still allows me to function.  I haven't really ever forgiven those who have hurt me so bad...instead I have over looked it, swept it under the rug and charged ahead.

Perhaps that's the secret....I deal with things, I say whats on my mind (you all should know that) but when it would end up hurting someone even more;
I just swallow
my pride.  One time where I actually do, and it's not really good for me.

When looking at myself now, and am trying to improve myself along the way, I wonder if this is a part of me that should change or not?  Should I keep swallowing or spit out this nonsense? 

What do you think...do you spit or swallow?

(Your PRIDE...dirty piggies)


Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

I've done well in life to keep people around me that treat me right. And when close family has slighted me, like my dad during my teenage years, I've been able to let it go. That relationship was important enough for me to let the past be in the past.

I hope you find people to surround you with love and care, rather than hurt.

Annah said...

I need to get better on the forgiving part. I have a hard time letting go of my anger when people f%ck me over... Liked this post.

itsybitsyknitsy said...

Hi, stopping by from Lady Blogger. I am exactly the same way. I wrote a while ago how a co-worker was so rude to me - shockingly rude. I tried to talk to her calmly about it and she just got worse and worse. I was up all night thinking of all the rude things I was going to say to her the next day. I walked in the door - she apologized and hugged me - all was forgiven. I can't stay mad either. I think it's a good thing - altho I wish I could stay mad and say whats on my mind.

Ronnica said...

I think being forgiving is a great quality. Doesn't mean you always have to let them back in your life, though.

Kristy said...

Spit if it is necessary for your own health. If not, swallow, let it go, move on, be the bigger person, let them own the problem, yada yada yada.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Best blog post title ever...

In a filthy gorgeous kind of way...