well...it's been a while but I have managed to take the advice of my 5 year old and deal with my shit! As of late, I have been feeling overwhelmed; under-rested and just not right.
I know that November is the dullest month on the calendar - which is odd, because it's really beautiful to watch the seasons turn; feel the crispness of the air and watching nature do it's tango with the winter among us. I really do love to be outside and watch the leaves dance in the breeze and I smile when I still find a flower that has just bloomed as if it held it's breath the longest underground and has won the prize! I love November because it means warm fires and snuggles and coffee with baileys. It means wriggling your toes into your bed and holding on till the last minute in the warmth of the hug that your covers are giving you. November to me is the institution of the 3 snooze rule while the other months get 2. It means that I can shop until I drop and there is a tingly feeling I get when I hear bells! It brings on pumpkins, butternut squash, roasted potato soups topped with bitter chocolate. Christmas dinner, goodies and more....(and usually I would be glowing with anticipation at this point) for some reason, this November is not the same.
I still love everything about November, I still get excited with each of these things; however, I am not as excited as I should be. The reason for this glum drum hoe hum-ness is unknown. I am not searching for answers, or mystery...I am not missing anything from my life. I have a family that I am grateful/thankful and hopeful for daily. I just am. I haven't felt like writing; although the amount of thinking I have been doing lately would translate into a novel series longer than the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings or any given Steven King novel. I am ... I wonder if this is some weird cosmic kismet thing a maroo that happens to women advancing towards their 30s...isn't this the time that I should be trying to know who I am? Shouldn't I be embracing the fact that I am going to have a savvy outlook on life, a stylish approach to accessorizing my life or just the fact that I am friggen great and 30?? No, the dork in me is trying to evaluate what is left to be done before I am 30..
* Married - check
* Kids/Family - check
* cat - check
* lost weight from kids - Um...well...er...(shakes head and hangs it low) Not really at all...
* vacationed - HELLS NO- not unless you consider the honeymoon 6.5 yrs ago
* read 2 books a month - YES!! oooops. I mean -check
* better myself - emotionally, physically and mentally....well it's a wash...we'll say no
* tattoos - check check check!!
but shouldn't there be more??? shouldn't I have a list like the one below??
* climb mountain (doesn't matter how big/small)
* write a book or novelette
* take a dance class
* take yoga
* learn a new language
* teach my kids a craft
* make my wedding album finally -- okay, wait that should be on my list..cuz lord knows (along with my mother-in-law) that I haven't done that yet
* learn a musical instrument 0r re learn one I used to know
* make candles
* go to a new Province and tour it
* save for a house - (again stealing this one)
* save for a trip to Europe - and then go to Europe
I wish I was this person - but I am not..I can't even create/organize my goals and the pursuits that I think I want....GAHHH! Life is so confusing! It's so frustrating! I have no words to explore what I am feeling/thinking right now, but it just sums up to me not being happy with me...how is this so?
I feel that I excel at work so that is great!! Yay for work..but I don't work 24 hrs a day...I live "danon's life" 24 hours a day and when I leave the fortress (office), I walk from a colourful world out the door into the dull November palate of grey, drab and bleck! I NEED TO WAKE UP FROM THIS NONSENSE
I was actually sitting here the other day when my daughter came up to me for a snuggle, and said "momma, are you okay?"...um, pathetic me...starts to tear up and tried to find the answer to best console and inform her..." baby girl...I am ok. I am just having a day. It's kinda like when you wake up and you are still tired...you know? Just that kind of a day." and she is really intuitive and she looks right in my eyes and says " momma, you don't have to tell me a kid answer....what's really up with you? " so after I pick up my hearts pieces from the floor of my inner core...I tried to, within seconds, see what my daughter saw. I tried to put myself in her shoes and tried to look at me. WHAT A FUCKIN MESS I SEE!! I hope she doesn't see that. ...and that was it. I just lost it....I started to sob to my daughter...and as I did, she held me tight and said "no matter what momma, I love your guts!" (which made me sob more; not like Claire Danes in Romeo & Juliette but I was tearing up fo sho). I stopped myself before I scared the little girl into a complex and severe therapeutic sessions. Afterwards I went over to her while she was playing at the table with a craft and I apologized for what happened. I told her that I was just trying to make the right choices in life and that I was struggling with making sure I was doing right by them. You know what she said? well, I bet you can guess because it's been said already... but she said "momma, if you have a problem you have to cut it in half and then work on the solution!"
this from my 5 year old...she knew that most of a problem is just our own shit standing in the way...so there is half of it...and that for the rest, I just have to tackle it one step at a time. How couldn't I have seen this??
So now that she is my shrink (and I think we'll be having weekly sessions now...just cross your fingers that she doesn't start chargin me..) I think that I should take a look at my life through hers and her brother and sisters eyes more often. I can't believe that I have gotten this far with myself being this way...thank god they are smarter than me!
Maybe this is why we have kids....so they can raise us into proper adults! Whatever it is, I am working on it and I have to thank my daughter...
xoxo momma loves your guts too! (yes! and you smelly and dude!!) oh kay...and you too hubby!!