I guess the best way to tell a story is to start at the beginning. So I was coming home from lunch with the girlies and as my mother had babysat the rugrats, I went to her house to pick them up. I hadn't had the chance to "celebrate" my birthday with them as they were out on New Years Eve, and yesterday was full of other things..anyhow...so I see them and my mother comes into the kitchen with this gift for me.

I open the card and read the typical 30th birthday love mom" card...and please don't think I am being snide; my mother picks great cards and actually goes to great lengths to find the card that conveys what she wants to say; without writing it herself...anyhow, so I read the card and there was an insert note with it.

This note goes as follows:

So my mother, myself, my daughters, and my mother's husband are all crying at the kitchen table. The kitchen table that used to be my grandmothers..the house that used to be hers and now, I am opening one of her things...it was too much. So welcomed and so amazing to have this gifted to me on such an occasion; but as I have said before, I haven't really gotten over losing my grandmother.

She was the glue in our family and the laughter in my heart and likely the sarcasm in my humour also...but that may taint her picture. Anyhow, I haven't ever really felt as close to her, or my mom for that case in a long time and it was good. My mother also wrote other things to me, but some things are for the heart and some are for the soul. This memory box is something that I will Cherish for ever. I am still emotional and welling up with this post right now...it's so raw. The pain is so...so....there...and yet, I know its for the best, and I know we'll all be fine but sometimes, just to call her on a Thursday would likely make me more sane and grounded. My grandmother and I had a great relationship for sure. She was the peanut butter and I was the jelly, or well banana as it was my grandfather's favorite snack.

I have been thinking about this whole 30 business and I am embracing it. I am enjoying it and I will perfect it - just wait! But while thinking of these things, I have also thought a lot about her. I have been told stories from the time I was born about her and how my grandfather spoiled her so and adored her. I know she was strikingly beautiful and I know she had a laugh that was contagious...I wonder, how did she feel when she turned 30? What did she want out of life then? She already had my grandfather, who was Frank Sinatra (not literally, but he was charming and handsome); they had 4 children; but..did she want anything for herself? Did she do anything for herself?

I don't think she did.

I think that she did everything for her family, friends and kids. Not saying that that means you have nothing or whatever...but for her...what was it that she did only for herself? I got to thinking that maybe now that I am 30 and have my children and my husband who I adore...maybe I wouldn't have that something extra just for me....but then there you were...this blog.

This therapy without the couch (although I am usually found on my purple couch in the corner with pillows surrounding me while writing). You, the people who care enough to drop a comment or read my ramblings...I have this outlet of happiness, joy, fear, worry and wit and I didn't think of it until now.

I didn't think that I actually did much for myself until I got to thinking about my goals for this month...what I wanted to do; plans; ideas; what-have-you's...I thought, I want to write more and become a better writer...because we all know I am no literary genius; however, I do have something. I have a passion to use words and humour and jokes to play down the sometimes pathetic aspects of my life. I love to use words to evoke your emotion or to convey my own. I have the ability to reflect on each day and then replay it for you all..or just the thoughts that are in my head...(because they are there...oh yes, they are there).

I wondered, would my grandmother have read my blog? I mean, really, would she have read it because she's my grandma and she would be proud even if it sucked (unless it does, which would mean you are just kind...so thank you). Would she have been the first commenter on each post? - Likely...and she would have used more profanity than I could muster in a post in one comment. But would she have already known what was going to be posted or would she have enjoyed the inner workings of my brain...(shrugging my shoulders) I wonder?

Oh and the special memory that was in the box...it was my thank you card to my grandmother for our wedding present...she kept the card in her memory box. She was just that kind of lady!

Thanks for listening...I am out of kleenex, but will be getting some now. If you have a chance to tell the ones that mean the most to you just how specil they are, please do so. One of the best things I could have ever done was ask each of my grandparents to write me a letter from each of them. I wanted them to introduce themselves to my children (at the time I didn't have children - but I feared that when I did, they wouldn't be around). I wanted them to tell my kids about how they met their spouse, and how they fell in love or their best memories of their lives...about our families and us...it's something that I now have a place to put them and when each child is old enough to grasp what they are, I will read them to them...I have never read these letters either, so I think that it'll be a great day that I can share with you all what they had to say. I have also written each child a letter from the day I found out I was expecting them...something for them to hold onto me with. Maybe that will go in the box too...

What are your favorite memories?