Jesus spoke to me in tongues; I may have a drinking problem?!!!

So I would like to warn you all that this post is nothing short of a Guy Ritchie flick; full of eff bombs, a lot of drab and some friggen wanka's! I refuse to use the coooont word as I am neither British, Jason Stratham or a cabbie (hmmmm what is it that brits call them?).
Its actually pretty funny how the root of Canadian culture is based on the British commonwealth; yet they maintain their own lingo... and almost always sound intelligent no matter what they are saying (example have you ever heard v-becks or d-becks talk?)
I wish that there was a dictionary of brit slang such as there is for ordering coffee @ starbucks! "Oie say lady sassafrass; oi'd loik a cup a tea and a scoone". "Quite right, oy would snog johnny dep all night long!". Really it just appeals to me. It would also be tres cool if I could talk with a different accent each day at work...but I can't; so I won't.
Anyhow so I have had a bitch of a day. I really wish it was acceptable to drink @ work because I would be the bartender and the dinging specialist! I think that it could work to my advantage and those who I work with.
As it was I only got a few hours of sleep last night because it was Dan's staff party @ work. He and I actually had a date and went out and had sushi too!! Let me tell u, its been 6 mos since he and I went on a date (without kids) and it was bliss. This could also be because I had several glasses of wine; my favorite snack (spicey tuna hand rolls) or the fact that it was really great having that girlie; flirty; god-I'm-glad-I-shaved-my-legs-cuz-I-know-I'm-gonna-get-a-piece-TONIGHT kinda feelin.
We then discuss when we will arrive at his party...I haven't met many people from his work and not to sound like a bitch; but I don't think I'd like them. I don't get preppy,athletic,accountant kinda people - even though I'm sure their mothers love them; and I am not down with those "OMGeeee! I tots need a mani pedi no'ow" chicks. You know the kind who are hot when sober, but then they turn into the ugliest people ever and their ass' hang out of their dresses; get all pukey and ruin their once perfect hair and end the night pukin into the rando guys lap that they somehow lure home... For relz I didn't meet any of them last night I swear but I know this one fuglydrunkiepoo blonde and she makes my skin crawl. The locos chicas I met were pleasant and cute; but really not BFF material what so ever - and sorry but I don't have time to waste on drama; her not liking my mature sense of self; and me not getting her "I'm totally gonna land every guy that looks at me"type mentality. Really - if I am gonna make friends instantly they better have a great personality; make me drink a shit-ton and have my gin n 7 fly out my mouth (in a sexy classy way of course!).
So the night commences and I get to meet some people I have only heard of and also I get a feeling for the restaurant too. I haven't even ate there yet; which translates to have not had the chance to scope out the chicky poos he works with, whew, there are only like 5 chicks there; and yes they are sassy and trendy and I'm sure they are partiers (I am not) but I know he luvs me; I know that what I got is something those girls can only dream of; and if he wanted to - what could I do to stop him. Um, hello Tiger????? Right!! Silver lining......he wouldn't and I believe him. He can look at the menu; just not order;sample;taste.
Well back to the evening... It is around 10 and the party is winding down with the usual amount of awkwardness; drunken behavior and shenanigans. I totally thought to myself, "god I can't deal with this shit!" I mean, who am I to judge but coming from the one person there who was watching the debauchery it was utterly painful...(Insert caption of me doing shooters here). I had to friggen drink to make me feel part of the excitement...or at least better about some of the shit that was flying through my brain. It was mad I tell you! (I guess this post wouldn't count as a good "anti-peer pressure campaign" right? Finally the clouds parted way and god spoke to me in a familiar voice, so familiar that it sounded like my husbands voice...it was, Jesus was talking to me through my husband! JESUS LORD I HEAR YOU. YES I WILL FOLLOW YOU..YES I WILL LET YOU GUIDE ME HOME...His words were so perfect; so pure "let's get the fuck outta here!"
We left as soon as he convinced me that Jesus didn't take over his body and speak in tongues to me. Again that giddy little school girl in love feeling crept up on me... We ended up back home; several more cocktails and had a great "conversation" (wink wink). In the wee hours of the morning when I was sober, we got up from our love nest and got the kids. Now let me just preface this by saying I totally felt like a big bag of yuckie-hung-over-goo; but went to work and stayed until 5 today. I took one for the team and even after thinking about how random the night was, all I can think of is how great it was to be out with my husband and how great he is in bed! Lol..
Xoxo insatiablehost
Oh and ps, got my hair done by my colourist Darcie, fuck she's hella good! Luvs it a lot!!!

4 comments:



Miz said...

please to send darcie my way.

PLEASE.

oh and DidIReallyEatThatOutLoud sent me yours----and Im glad she did.

You are fuckinghilarious.


MizFitvici

MrsFatass said...

CUTE HAIR.

And I'm with you on those work parties. My husband runs a trucking terminal. Like, with truckers. So the Christmas party this year involved those truckers. And their wives. AND, we live in the south.

I'll just let that image sink in with you for a moment.


Yeah. It was quite a party.

Julie said...

You are one crazy effing daisy, but you make me laugh. Love the color.
Chick Norris rules!

The Insatiable Host said...

Miz- thank you; i now feel like i am a partial celebrity because you commented on my post - and you are in a magzine...maybe this means something??hmm? well...didijusteatthatoutloud is great and gives great advice right?

anyhow, thanks for the lovely comments chicas. DIJETOL I too know the south, i lived in Corbin KY for a while...but in Canada we have trucker terminals too! OMG isn't that insane? lol...but ya, I totally get what you are sayin..it sunk in for sure...yow-za!

Julie...chick norris does rule - and don't you forget it!! PS loved the new post - really hilarious stuff there..