In the year 2000 I had just turned 20... 20 is an age that really can define who we are. I had just moved back home to be closer to my family and boyfriend. 20 was the year that I worked every day and partied every jokes. I met some of my closest friends when I was 20 and I learned to love entirely with my whole self. 2001 was the year that I wanted to have more fun that in previous years. We travelled, visited friends, laughed some more and became completely and utterly sure that I was going to marry Dan. In my heart of hearts, it was a sure thing and the questions hadn't been asked or answered until December 24, 2001. It was likely the most impressionable memory I have of Dan and I before we had children. The proposal happened so quickly, with swear words, physical violence and then one of the most sweetest things ever being said. I still get goosebumps when I think about it now. 2002 I tried to have a career job; a 9-5 job; a job that would pay for the wedding of our dreams. I worked each day and dreaded the next; however, if I could do one thing it was fake it until I looked like I made it. And I did! I made it...saved a ton of cash; and after moving into the house of my future in-laws, was tried, tested and sure that he was the man for me. 2003 Was chaotic. I was married at 23 years old. I was married at 23 and completely happy...because I had no plans of going back to my adult job after the month that I took off from work for the wedding and honeymoon. We traveled to Jamaica, and I fell in love with hot sauce, red strip, jerk chicken and the sun. We saw many of our friends get married wedding stands out more than others though...because I got pregnant! I know it doesn't sound romantic and gushy, but sometimes when a boy and a girl have a few gin and 7s and she happens to look amazing, one thing leads to another and 10 months later (ya I said it 10) you have your first child. 2004 Life as a mother, wife and woman searching for answers. I am your mother Sophia. I am supposed to be here, to guide you, to teach you and most of all- by far the easiest of all, to love you unconditionally. In one moment after seeing her precious eyes, I knew that she held my world in her gaze. She held my heart with every breath and she kept me from feeling afraid that I would mess up. Instantly she made Daniel shed the shadow of Peter Pan; she held his world tightly in her hand; she held his heart with her breath and she whispered "I love you's" with the batting of her eyes. 2004 was the year that I thought it was going to be ok...until I celebrated my birthday and ended up pregnant again. My life was spinning around again and I wasn't sure if it was morning sickness or sheer terror. 2005 became a year that is still to this day blurry; foggy and confusing. I think I must have been really focused on each and every task because I can't for the life of me remember. I went back to work as soon as Sophia was 6 months, and worked full time and as much as possible. My pregnancy didn't allow the natural progression of life. I was interrupted several times with hemorraging, pain and traumatic experiences. I recall going into labour a few times within the 34th week of my pregnancy. She was born early. I remember that day and never will forget. My water was broken, 5 minutes later, my mother was standing in front of me ready to catch her, Daniel was out for a much needed cigarette and I was hating the epidural they told me later wasn't working. I know that I pushed 3 times and guessed that she would be born at 4:26 am and she was...I held her in my arms for only a second until they took her out of my arms and rushed her into the nursery.
This was the moment I knew I could kill another human being...the Lioness protecting her cubs. My roar could be heard through the entire forest-and they all knew I had to know what was going on. Thankfully, she was fine but wasn't breathing very well. She had a little rattling in her chest and she also was lacking in colour. My little dove was swept away from me without one instant of allowing me to gaze into her eyes, and having the chance to grow another heart for her to hold. She finally came back to my arms 7 hours later, after the epidural ended its course and allowed the one leg it did freeze to walk; after I had cried myself into an awake state of calm; after I had screamed at everyone around me and after my husband was able to say "hello". We finally had our family reunion, where we just sat all in his arms breathing her baby scent in, counting her fingers and toes; being held by her grace. Isabella was here.
2006 was the year that I knew something had to give. Having 2 children under 2 is incredibly busy, scary and hard. The rewards far outweighed everything that scared me as a mother; gave me insecurities as a woman and baited me like a habit. They were every where...a room full of noise suddenly sounded as calm as the ocean when they laughed. The darkest, dullest day brightened instantly when Sophia started to talk and I heard her say "Daddy". The worst days of Isabella's health issues were lightened with her smile and just how happy her eyes were. These big, beautiful blue eyes with so much life and happiness in them...just captivated me...and still do.
2006 was tragic. The strongest woman in the world I knew, left this world. Her grace and poise has been embedded on all the lives she touched. She captivated us all with her laugh, her sense of life and her value of family. She held our hearts with her last breath. She still takes my breath away when I think of her and my heart aches and falls apart with each memory. I wouldn't take this pain away because that is how I know she was real and it's the closest to hearing her laugh each time I cry.
2006 was supposed to be the year that I didn't get pregnant right in a row, and we did everything possible to not get pregnant. I was on the pill, we used condoms and when the condom broke, I went to get the morning after pill and still ended up in the hospital on June 2 (4 weeks early) pushing for 5 minutes until he was here.
2007 became the year I grew into motherhood.
He is the reason why love stories are written.
He is the one man in the world that could take me to this place in "love" where there isn't anything he could say or do that would make me stop caring. Not saying that I don't unconditionally love the girls; but when you have a son, it's your only chance to make the perfect man - and you want to be sure that you do everything in your power not to mess this one up.
He held me with his smile the moment he was in my arms
He held me with his breaths, as if I was as light as a feather.
He carried my spirits when they were low and instantly brightened them.
He was healthy, happy and affectionate when I needed a snuggle.
The day that he said "momma" I cried for almost an hour and am welling up with that very thought.
The day he was born, Daniel's dreams came true.
Daniel now has someone to carry his family name along and teach the values of our heritage, culture and to grow into a great father, just like he.
Daniel's eyes were passed along to him, and it was like looking at Daniel when he was a child.
His grandparent's life was complete with the girls - or so they thought. He held their hearts with his smile and his laugh.
She didn't get to meet him - and I know she would have been just as in love as I. She knew his name, and that he was coming and I know that if she met him, she would have been held in his heart forever. Now she is just a memory that we keep playing over and over in our hearts and that he will never completely understand; even though every time we pass by her grave he tells her he loves her. Love without first sight.
2008 was a changing year for me. I started a new job, left my babies behind for someone to take care of and mold.
2008 he took his first steps while I was at work; he took his first steps while his father only could imagine it.
2008 was the year that my first born angel started school.
I was a mother of a school-aged child.
I was a mother of 3 angles; miracles; little glimpses of my childhood fantasies of what being a mother would be like.
I had not only a husband to be a wife to; I had 3 children to teach, love and would I do this all?
2009 is a year of uncertainty and even now, at its end I am uncertain.
There are many things that I know:
I know that my family is the most important thing to me.
I know that my husbands love is the one thing that keeps me grounded - even when I feel upside-down - I know that he loves me.
I know that I grew a new heart with each of my children's births and that no matter how big or small I am physically, these hearts are the biggest hearts anyone has ever seen. They are the yottabyte hearts of the anatomy.
2009 has had many successes in careers, and personal relationships and in my marriage.
2009 is a year that I can not wait to put this all behind me and look on to a new decade; a new age and a new hope for the next 10 years.
I can not change the past, I can only live for the future. The clock is running. Make the most of today. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why it's called The Present!
I wanted to share this with you because after reading Just a Titch's decade in review, I realized just how far I have come...and how far there is to go - and I can't wait.


Julie said...

Danon, I love ya. What an awesome blog. Happy New Year, my virtual friend!

...Holy shit! I just realized you wrote that whole blog and didn't swear once! What the...? :)

The Insatiable Host said...

holy shit balls! I totally didn't swear did i??? something is happening...i feel sick; i'm spinning; i'm dizzy...its over...
lol...thanks Julie for the comment. I am actually really proud of this piece - nothing like a homemade card, right?