I Shit You Not.

I think we all can attest to doing stupid shit... I can attest to a lot!! I have also dealt with a lot of random things happening to me too..here are just a few to brighten your day! I remember one of my favorite sleepovers was a NKs house...we were in high school and inseparable for the most part of a year and a half..anyhow, like most teenagers we rebelled in almost everything we did..if we were told turn down the music, it was cranked up. If we were told, stay in the house, we would sneak out; if we were told, dont smoke pot....we lit up in the back yard and offered it to our moms... In any event, one night we had just gotten lit pretty friggen nicely and we came in to watch our favorite move "the cutting edge" (just about ..now is when you will hear in the back of your head "toooooooooee piiiiiiick!!") anyhow, so I was sitting by the fire to keep warm (even though it wasn't on), she was on the couch in front of me, and her brother was sitting on the love seat between us both...the usual amount of giggles, snorts and hysteria was brewing when all of a sudden I dont remember a thing!!! I swear...all I know is that I ended up having a 4 minute conversation with my friggen cheese cake! I am not kidding, there weren't any chemicals in this "organic oregano"...but I lost my shiznit! After disusing the fact that it was totally stupid that I was sitting in front of the fire that wasn't on, I then snap back in to reality to see NK and LK staring at me in awe and then both burst out in laughter....God! How do I always find myself the center of every joke!!! There have been many more occasions in my life where I have done stupid things, been made fun of or was just totally in a state of "wtf???!!" Here are a few that came up in the topic at my last girls night!!! I have fell in chicken shit and grew 3 inches...no word of a lie! When I was 3-7 years old, we lived on a farm in Caledonia. On this farm we had some pigs, chickens, rabbits, horses and a dog. We also had to draw water from a well (yes Day in the Wife it's true...I am Laura Ingels);; shovel the stables, and collect our eggs for breakfast. One day, I was collecting the eggs from the hen house and my boots go stuck in the muck and I fell ...it was mortifying, face first in chicken shit!!! ya...this is how my life went for many years!!! I have been made fun of for years by my family for this, and all I remember is my pink snowsuit being covered in shit! The next week I still smelled like I had cleaned the coop with my washcloth...and to tell you the truth, I can smell it now...(ugh, i shudder at the thought)...the next thing I recall is trying to get dressed on a Saturday afternoon, and my pants were the worst case of floods that I have seen! I went to my mom and she and I just stared at the now capris! I guess chicken shit is a great fertilizer I have gone on dates and fallen under vans; burnt my ass on a barb wire fence while being completely loaded at my high school prom and not noticed the burn marks until the next day when my ass cheeks had little x's across it....(that was super funny though...I can't even call it embarrassing because I am laughing at myself); I have chipped half my tooth while walking in art class...so bad that half of it had to be replaced. I was grounded by my father for having a club against a boy at my Dutch Reformed Christian School (I am not reformed or Dutch...dont ask) but myself along with Cynthia B came together to unite our passion of hatred towards Peter Zanstra in the 4th grade. He used to pull our hair, make fun of our stunted growth in womanly areas, make sexual references to things we had NO clue about..and I am sure that he still doesn't know...he also told our then boyfriend (ya we were double dating and okay with that) DKH that we were talking about him behind his back so he broke up with us...anyhow, our principal at the time Mr. Voorstma called our parents into the school for a meeting with our teacher Ms. Heizinga (just like it sounds heightchhh-ziiiin-ga) to discuss disciplinary action. Enter my father (aka the Gestapo in our family) decides that reading the children's book "The Five Little Pepperpots and how they Grew" and writing a summary on each paragraph was the precise punishment this type of behavior warranted...I to this date, don't know why though.. I have been hung upside down by my sister, been told that I was adopted by my parents and have also been coerced into running away because of Brussel sprouts. I have had several nerve wracking experiences with losing gum during explicit acts of "what the fuck"; been propositioned by a woman while working - and my bosses watch with fields of delight while I sit there and just shook... I have fallen off horses, rode pigs and still to this day can't really remember what it is like to not have something humiliating happen... While delivering my first born child (in the stages before she slid into home base), I was dealing with a contraction and the bottom of the bed fell off, my ass slid down the bed and I almost landed on the ground....No Joke- and for all you ladies who know what it's like to have your feet in the stirrups and your sunshine brightening every ones day....this was not the case!! When Dan and I were first dating, right around our 1 yr anniversary...he stayed at my moms for the night (a typical occurrence then) and he was standing with his back to my door, and I walked in from the hallway...just as he was pushing his arm though his hoodie, I walked SMACK into his fist and got a black eye!! Seriously, there wasn't anything intended by this at all..but I was sooooo pissed off that I ran downstairs crying and told my mommy!! (He felt awful and really would never hurt a woman physically for sure)...but it was friggen funny!! I have "mission impossibled" my way out of uncanny "situations"....Krista....you remember that shit!! And seriously, this hasn't even scratched the surface... I have made an ass out of myself, or been made out to be an ass or just made out with an "ass" too many times to count....this is why I am who I am.... These few highlights dont even cover the adventures of Dan and Danon!! Dan's sleepeating habits or any of the dumb things I did when I was pregnant! I'll give you a few to muse over...perhaps this week has been particularly bad to you and you may need to laugh until you pee! I once made microwave popcorn while pregnant and blew up the microwave. This only happened because I put the entire box of popcorn and it's 3 packets into the microwave! I was 7 months pregnant with the middle critter and recalled Dans mom telling me how she craved fruit TONNES while being preggers....so I had an insatiable craving for watermelon...I cut the bitch in half, and hopped into the tub neked and ate the watermelon...the entire watermelon..."uh, I ate a watermelon"!! I ate this thing in the tub because, I could just shower myself off...no mess, no worry...until I couldn't lift my fat ass out of the tub to shower and had to sit there in the water for almost 1.5 hours until Dan came home and rescued me!! I dont even know what else could top that one....I am getting the giggle fits now....but for real...I am an ass and get myself into some crazy predicaments!! I can't wait to hear about some of yours!! Let me know your most embarrassing times - please...maybe I wont feel so bad!! :) Have a great night everyone, its time for a bitch stick and a gimlet!! TGIF!! Tomorrow I am getting my hair did and then going to a 2 year old's party! I have some great pics and the menu from the Chef Table experience that Dan and I had at Treadwells in Port Dalhousie, ON and I can't wait to share with you the experience!!! Until then laugh out loud until your belly hurts!!!

1 comments:



Jennifer Brindley said...

I love you even more. NOBODY ever knows what I'm talking about when I randomly go, "TOoOooooooe PiiiiIIiCK!"

I love you.

~J