one should never eat one's own ass!!

While you are reading this blog, I hope that the Beyonce song gets stuck in your head!!
All the skinny bitches, All the skinny bitches
All the skinny bitches, All the skinny bitches
Now back the eff off!
Out at the store, cuz I want more;
I'm doing my own thing;
I decided to splurge; now you're given me words
Cuz I'm tryin to fit in to everything.
Im grabbin this; Im grabbin that;
Don't pay me any attention; Now I'm cryin tears, cuz I had 3 kids You can't be mad at me!
Cuz if I look bad you should tell me the truth
Cuz if you don't I gonna look like a goof
Don't be mad at me becuase I'm not a size 4
Cuz if it looks bad you should tell me the truth
oh oh oh .....
So I go shopping for this wedding that I am attending tonight!! And all I want to do is find something similar to a garbage bag, with a red "pop" similar to the tie strings that are found on said garb. I go into the usual places for clothes - XX1, H&M, Le Chateau, Guess, Winners and more and each and everytime I am confronted by "SKINNY BITCHES" They are friggen everywhere!!! I know that I can't hate because they are built like children - for the most part, I really just think they are - but why should I be so mad?? Anyhow, so store number 1, I find a couple of things that look cute on the hanger and I see some other rounder, junk-in-the-trunk chicks there so I am thinking oK!! I can do this!! well dumb me for being so positive!
I get into the jailcell they call a changeroom, where the flourecent lights are making my skin look green, my hair look like shit and my ba dunk-a-dunk look like my kids are hiding upinder! This is no fun house mirror either, it looks legit!
you would think that someone would make mirrors that let you see how you want to see yourself - sales would go through the rooF!! Lest, I digress....
Anyhow, so outfit 1 - FLOP Outfit 2 - disaster
Outfit 3 - not bad...
Outfit 4 - ick - and the size 2 skinny bitch tells me, oh my god that is sooo hot!
sorry skinny bitch, but Go Fuck Yourself!! It doesn't look hot. I can see my underwear lines, my mommabelly that reminds me daily at least 3 people in my life love me unconditionally and also, where the buttons are, they are popping at the seams because my twin jugs are HUGE! how the hell does this look hot??? Do I look like you at the end of a night of binge drinking your mothers peach schnapps>?? all messy, tangled and disasterous??? wtf?!
Immediately, I leave said store and throw everything at skinnybitch #1.
Store number 2- usually I can find stuff at Le Chateau - and even though it's more pricey now they do have my size...14ish. So my general rule of thumb is look for the best dressed sales person and ask for help! I myself don't feel confident in myself to pick out an outfit at times and if they can dress themselves great, maybe they can dress me! I spot SkinnyBitch 2 and I am trembling inside. I start to think that my game plan sucks the big one because, she can only dress skinny bitches good.
I think that in truth if she had to dress me, she would have to put two of her heads together to get the size of my cheast compared to hers and also, understand that I have a tiny waist...but a big ass. These things dont cross skinny bitch minds you see. They are all leg, torso and that's it! They have more volume in their hair -it's true..mean for sure, but really...what else ??
So we skant around the store and she helps me see the "inner beauty girlfriend" and tells me Im a hot momma! (Ok, so I thanked her for that, because she did seem like she meant it - but all good sales people are liars too!!) anyhow, so I try this purple dress on and feel like a sausage with weird ripples of purple; I try my fool proof black widelegged dress pants with a hot shirt- and instantly I am comfortable but i say NO! I have to do something different, something girly, something INSATIABLE!
I then try on the outfit below and was feeling ok, but when she saw me she was all....ooooh and made me nausiated! I liked the shirt aside from the rolly polly and my jugs hanging out and the pants are ok...untill I saw my ass looked like a soggy diaper. Does my ass look like this? I dont really know my ass well seeing it's like Ireland and no one really knows how big it is...I just couldn't fathom that my ass was so wide/flat/pancake like. depressing. I left immediately and vowed to never eat a pancake again - because one should never eat one's own ass.
Pancake ass to the right??
Tiny waist...too much junk in the trunk!
Anyhow, so I leave store number 2 feeling a little defeated. I am not going to's hard to make yourself feel amazing and go shopping! Unless you are high...which I dont reccommend becuase a. your gonna get the munchies - not cool and depending on what you are high on you could potentially buy trippy clothing, or just believe anything anyone says - and look like a club kid (nothing against club kids- but it's not me and certainly not for a formal wedding).
Store number we go again...another said skinny bitch and this time, I am in tears! I lock myself in the changeroom cell and begin to try and pick the pieces of my pride off the floor and dont even finish trying the articles I selected on. I am mortified..and feeling quite foolish. Who am I to think that I could feel great and look great in these clothes??? Why do I have the image of what I should look like in my head and it doesn't translate into real life!!
I leave the mall, grab my pride and drag it behind me like Lyness' blanked and truck home....what the fuck am I going to wear????? Maybe I'll wear Dan's suit and he can wear some sexy black dress. He's got the figure for it!!
For all you skinny bitches out there who try to sell clothing to women size 11 and up...please be cautious of our feelings. We are sensative and just because we have a big appearance, doesn't mean that we have skin like leather! Please make suggestions that are relavent and that would look great. Maybe study the art of dressing larger sizes and have suggestions!!! Dont just cascade the walls and hope that if we buy double of everything we can get a seamstress to sew it together to cover us..because WE CAN'T
And, if you are great at your job, can you please send me your name and the store you work at...I am a creature of habit and I would drive to Calamazoo if that meant that I could be trendy, sexy and confident all at once!
I'll post tomorrow with be the judge!!


Julie said...

I hate fitting rooms.

Love the new look on the blog, it so pretty! Me love it long time.

Anonymous said...

Nice butt!