LuLu Lemon Mothers and Vanilla Chai Lattes

I decided to launch off my purple micro suede couch today and go for a jog in the rain! Yay me!!! Motivation, enthusiasm, exercise and more! So I make my way downtown to the apparent "runner core" of Btown Ontario and I look around me and all I see are these robot freaks with LuLu Lemon's logo on them. They are everywhere!!! Following me, pushing me out of the way, yelling at me "get out of the way fat @ss!!!" What happened here people?? I thought that running was for one's own self. I thought that running was to make you feel better about yourself. Well this is the truth ladies and gents! I start to run around again and realize that I am nearing Starbucks! I think to myself SALVATION!! but I want to resist. I can't, but I have to ...but I can't....Reduced Fat Turkey Bacon Sandwich and Grande Vanilla Chai Latte!!!!! Oh sweet jesus where have you been all my life!! The first bite is just as I remember my last..so good! After my surroundings stop swirling around me I realize that I am again swarmed by LuLu Lemon mothers like moths around my Corona's lime. They are fricken everywhere!!! And they are staring at me again...or so I think! Son I sit down to read the new Victoria Secret Catalogue and I overhear this mother blasting her friend about how her husband doesn't respect her ass. Literally, this is what she said

Tom doesn't respect my ass....he said that my ass is like the worst thing in the world. He said that my ass makes a jack-o-lantern look like Megan Fox. Like wtf? He should be so lucky to have my ass...at least its not like hers....

insert GO FUCK YOURSELF face here!!!!

I am sitting here and this bitch is looking dead at me, pointing at me with her finger and freaky stink eye. Her half fat, no raw, skinny latte or whatever the frig jackolantern-no respect assed woman drinks. I couldn't believe it. I stood up from my table glared at the witch and eyeballed her up and down...then she says "what? ugh.." so I am pretty much at my threshold of putting up with skinny bitch freaks that are on too much caffeine and guess what, she was the last of it. I walked over to her and asked

"why do you think that your husband doesn't respect your ass? how do think he feels when he looks at you; hears your voice and has to live with the fact that he is stuck with you and your pathetic lulu lemon wardrobe for the rest of his life. Do you KNOW, that if you for one second actually looked into my eyes, you would see that I am sooo not like you and sooo thankful for not becoming like you. My ass may be larger than yours, and my clothes may not be more expensive than my car payment; however, I happen to enjoy looking at your face right now, because it makes me feel great!!! I feel great because at least my husband is happy to come home to my ass, and he likes it! enjoy your coffee lady, i hope you burn your tongue on it and spill it on your clothes. (and just as I turn on my heel to walk away satisfied I add)...and by the way, the barista used whole fat milk in your coffee and I think you just gained a pound!"

Thats Right Bitches!!!!!! I feel friggen GREAT!!! I think I channeled my inner Erin Brocovitch...

"I hope you like that water..it was brought in from Hinkley." or "that's all you got lady! Two wrong feet and fucking ugly shoes!"

I left Starbucks feeling as if Rocky did when he kicked the shit out of Dolff Lander and ran home, with a steady pace. I also cleaned the kitchen, made the beds, folded some laundry, and started to get ready for the wedding. I think I'm gonna look HOT!!!

I'll post tomorrow...pictures, sarcasm and more...if you have told off anyone, and think you deserve an oscar...let me know!! I want to hear it...even re-inact it...video tape yourself telling someone off; re-inact your favorite bitch out I want to see it/hear it!!!

2 comments:



Jennifer Brindley said...

Um, this was awesome.

I think we need to be BFF's now, 'cause I bow to you for your awesomeness. I am soooo anti confrontation. YOU GO GIRL!

Obese Swan said...

WOW What a bitch! Good for you putting her in her place. I mean WTF! I would never ever ever do anything like that- I mean was she crazy. My mother would bitch slap my face if I did anything like that. YOU ROCK!

Bwahah my comment moderation is spermin